Mom don't you see??

Did you realize I’m in depression?

How long I’ve been in depression?

Or even the reason is because of this family.

You never really saw me

You saw the Sara I always wanted to be

I lived to be your angel

And Luis’s little girl

But no one really understood my pain

Or saw through all my tears and cry’s for help

Can’t you see what is going on?

Don’t you see how much I’m hurting

I cry myself to sleep dreaming hoping wishing for a brighter future

For this family to finally live with no financial issues.

For my own mother to wake up and realize I just care.

For Paula to see its my life I want to live not hers.

I want mike to realize I wish he was more involved in my life.

The same for Luis.

Maybe no one sees what makes up my life,

What has built me up with great depression and sorrow.

You said to me you drink to relax but have you ever seen yourself when

your like that

Do you ever think what each drink does to you?

Does no one understand I want to live my own life.

Doesn’t anyone see I’m not able to live up to their expectations

Why can’t I say this face to face with you?

Why don’t you think of every time I’ve ever tried to say anything,

You yell at me and call me a disappointment

How do you think that makes me feel mom,

What if you were in my shoes where would you be now?

You think you’d be getting good grades in high school

Cleaning up after every mess made in the house

Walk around with a fake smile day to day

Fighting back the temptation of seeing yourself bleed

Holding back the tears that fall like razorblades,

What if you lived my life one day

Then would you see what I face.

One day it will all end

I will no longer pick up after this family

I will no longer feel this pain

I will no longer feel sorry for what I never said.

Then how will you feel?

Will you then see why I want it all to end?

Or will it always remain a mystery to you?

I think I’ve finally realized why I hurt so bad,

Why I never want to make a hard decision,

I put others before myself,

I never look out for what’s best for me……and for once I’m putting myself

first.

Please don’t be mad mom,

But I can no longer take this pain

I finally wish to be set free.

Tell my brother and Sister I love them,

Tell Luis he was the best Father I could have ever asked for.

Its time for me to go now and leave with great despair

Um...

Well, your saving grace is your emotion. I could tell you spilled your soul into this poem, so that's the good news. The bad news is that is this very vague, empty, pointless, and a little boring. You try to bring me into your character's place, but it doesn't work. I can't feel her pain; I just hear her rambling.

You could fix this by making it about ten times shorter. As is, it's way too wordy. Give me concrete examples and details. That will make the poem so much stronger. For example, focus on ONE aspect of the situation. Her mom drinking, maybe. Or how she feels at school. Anything to narrow this down.

The idea has potential, so don't give up on this.

Hello there, kitty.

Well...I got to maybe...the 15th line and I had to stop myself. Let me just point out a few things.

One, the length is just terrible. Something that is really long like this is hard to read through. Maybe shorten it a bit. You repeat yourself a bit so just combine some thoughts so it's not so long.

Also, the spaces between every line are kind of annoying.

You have a lot of questions in this poem. It's not the right way you want to approach the question theme of this. It's just like reading these random questions over and over.

You're mostly telling in this poem. You have nothing in here that makes us want to feel for you. You want to show the reader what you're writing, not just tell them. Work on putting it in words that really hit us and that we can read easily.

Best of luck with this,

Lindsay

Good points:
Your emotion is good, the reader doesn't have to try and figure out what you are talking about.

Bad points:
The point of the poem was reached long before the poem ended. So the rest of it kind of just droned on. I am not saying long poems are bad, but if you are going to go for length then try not to continue with the same theme. Maybe make a change, or a realization. Other wise even if you are using different words the poem is repetive