Severed Lifelines

(I don't know what kind of poem this is, so if it's in the wrong category, sorry.)
In case anyone's interested, I wrote this for a girl that I met at camp.
This is still in the experimental stage, so please tear it to pieces.

Chest rises and falls with the rhythm of the wind
Through the trees
The lapping of the waves
At the sand
The very rhythm of life -
Breath.

With each inhale, a fragment shatters
A fragment from her former self
The self that caked her face in makeup
To hide her sensitive core.

Naked eyes shine with the light of a harvest moon
And sand grinds against her bare back, rubbing away her former self
Revealing skin tanned golden, and free muscles smooth.

Hair splays out in a copper fan
Beach pebbles sharp as glass
Remind her of
Water beading off broken bottles
And nights spent drinking in the alley with
people who called themselves her
'friends".

She lies on a beach littered with regret, to be taken out with the tide,
And kelp as severed lifelines to her former self
The self whose face was painted with a mask of lies,
But as the lifelines are severed,
She sheds her old skin,
And now she is whole.

Nice work.
Its very ruff but I see where you are going with this.
I think you mention her make up a little to many times.

Eyes - free of makeup - shine with the light of a harvest moon

This is a nice part. I think it would sound better if you didn't mention make up again.
Maybe you could say something like this:
Her naked eyes shine with the light of a harvest moon

Over all nice! =]
When you where writing this last night I thought you where writing it about me and Taylor
Remember when you asked what he looked like? Thats whey!

Love ya,
Genevieve

PS
I know this is off topic but I need to talk to you real quick, about something PM me!

Thanks a million Ning!
I love the 'naked eye', so I'll definitely change that.
And sure, I'll PM you. Heh. I have a feeling that I'm about to be told some interesting news.
But anyways, I see what you mean by rough - especially the first stanza. But I don't exactly know how to smooth it out.

Firstly, I'm anything BUT an expert when it comes to poetry, so please feel free to ignore my entire review if you so chose.

Now, onto the review: I like it. It gives me a good feeling, and even though it is a little rough I personally think it has potential.

I (perhaps in ignorance) think of poetry as an art form much like lyrics. Meaning that the rhythm should be like song. Your poem didn't seem particularly rhythmical, but yet it wasn't what I (again, mayhap from lack of knowledge) would call 'free form' either. I feel like the only thing that makes it poetry is the format... of course, I could be completely wrong as well. ^_^

I'm not sure the 'lifeline' metaphor (and the title!) is quite relevant... but I might be reading it the wrong way.

Ayra wrote:'friends".

Do you want single or double quotes? You can't do one of each! (even I, with my little poetry education know that ^_^)

Please don't take this too harshly! I really have no clue what I'm talking about.

~Azila~

Thanks for the crit!
Yeah, I'm not sure which kind of poetry this is. Heck, I don't even know if this is poetry.
(I'll fix the quotes, lol.)

Firstly, I'm anything BUT an expert when it comes to poetry, so please feel free to ignore my entire review if you so chose.

I actually don't know very much about poetry either. I guess I learned more by doing reviews for it, but my reviews for poetry aren't the greatest. >.<