and so this ends.

[deleted]

I think I understand it but at the same time I am not entirely sure... and that is why I can't exactly say I like this poem. It was pretty, but what did it have for the reader? There wasn't a lot of imagery, or anything poetically appealing (don't get me wrong, there are some parts of it, but overall it is lacking) and I couldn't really understand it, or what you were speaking about (though I think I might have a vague idea) and so I was left without much feeling or thought and I couldn't relate to it. I think it is a good rough draft for a poem, but you need to keep in mind: what kind of response do you want from your reader?

Of course I could just be particularly thick today and failing to understand the poetics behind it. ^_^ I did catch onto some things, is it a break up of a relationship? I did like the last two lines.

Much obliged for the comments, Suzanne; and yes, it is about a break-up--or, more specifically, a one-sided break-up. You know the sort. And out of curiosity, is your signature from Dostoevsky's The Idiot?

The first sentence sounds continually odd to me. Do you mean that the relationship will end like a bird would end if killed mid-flight? Or the ending itself is like a bird flying away? I find this too ambiguous to open the poem. In any case, you use lovely imagery to paint the earth and the alliteration everywhere is nice.

"Why should the clouds receive?"
This seems incomplete, like it should end with a "them" or be merged with the phrase that follows it.

I like the ending phrase, it's a nice way to end. But the wording of "hottest breath" seems off. In one frame of mind, using "hottest" seems messy to say, too vernacular to be placed next to the tissues by the chaise. But on the other hand, it's nice in that it seems especially off the cuff, nicely passionate for the breath burning into one's lungs. Something to think about, at any rate.

Bah, the lack of capitalization at the beginning of phrases bugs the inner fiction-writer in me, but since you obviously have a firm grasp on grammar, I'll let it alone ^^

I actually disagree with Suzanne's comment: I found it to be highly visual. My interpretation may not be exactly what you intended, but I see your lost love as the sun, or rather a star.
I found

<but how responsive is the sky? I coveted
your angriest words. why should the clouds receive?
..........give them to me! >

to be a little random, and unrelated to the overall mood the poem was giving me, but your last two lines were strong in their pared down yet vivid way.

Amelia: Thank you! ^^ Your comments are invaluable. I know what you mean about the opening lines; this poem is something of an experiment, and highly conceptual, so I didn't expect it to be a raging success. I merely wanted an idea of how this style worked, and how it might be recieved. Your critique has helped immensely.

magnaestcinema: And you as well, sir, thank you! I can see how the lines you pointed out might seem unrelated; when I revise this, I'll try to tie them in better.

Cheers!

I do like the style, and I find myself really liking the voice in this poem. You definitely have a talent for that, for sound and rhythm and tone; use it.

I agree with others in that it's a little "flighty" so to speak. I liked the feeling of it jumping around, but when I reread it, I realized I couldn't get a grip on the poem. Some of it, like this part:

scissor-armed against the sky
down where the earth swells in pylon prayer.

are too abstract or are too difficult to immediately visualize. While lines like the one quoted above sound incredible, they don't have as much depth as you'd like them to.

remember how you found the clouds? in disarray--
like dirty laundry, you said, like incense fog,
like the tissues your lover left piled by the chaise.

I like this part up until after "dirty laundry"--that bit, I think, is one of the best parts of this poem. But continuing..."incense fog" and whatnot, really didn't do much for me, though the "tissues your lover left piled..." certainly adds a lot to the intended meaning of the poem.

Overall, I like it, though I'd love it if I could get a feel for it as a whole. You need to focus more clearly on one image, one idea, and work on showing your reader what you see in your head.
-Colleen

Phoebe --
(Neat name, by the way)

Echo to Cade - this is lovely, but at the moment it seems to be separated into chunks, and I can't seem to get a feeling for the whole poem; just the chunks.

You have some very nice imagery here, but in some parts in seems kind of random. Like this:

but how responsive is the sky? I coveted
your angriest words. why should the clouds receive?
..........give them to me!

I think it should be 'why should the clouds receive them?'
But I love the last line there. Also as Cade said, you have a talent for voice.

breathe your hottest breath into my lungs
and I will suffer the burns.

I love that last line! It's very awesome. =p


I think you should use punctuation in this, though.

Overall, nice. You have a fantastic voice - you just need to work on some tiny things. This has great potential.
Kepe it up!
-Camille