To the end.

Garrow fell to his knee's, coughing up blood. The boys stood over him

laughing. He felt hot and flustered. All he could hear was their laughing. He

felt adrenaline pulse through his body. The biggest boy stood over him, his

shadow covering Garrow. The boy reached down to grab his scruff. Garrow

grabbed his arm. The boy jumped. Garrow squeezed. The boys arm started

to crack and splinter, shards of bone tearing throuhg his fles. He screamed.

Garrows eyes burned red. He stood up, forcing the boy to the ground. The

boy fell, screaming at Garrow. Garrow twisted the boys arm and pulled. Blood

splattered over the ground. The Earth shook.

Garrow woke up. The train had buckled to a halt at the worn down station.

It had once been the greatest in the country, but now it was rusted and

dead. He pushed the train door open and jumped onto the platform. He

arrived in Ponty.

To be continued.

I don't know what's with all the double-spaces, and it was really short.
To be brutally honest, this wasn't...well, it wasn't very good. You need to add alot more detail, character description, imagery and...well, yeah. I was bored reading it and I thought it was quite random; who is Garrow? Why is he lying on the ground? And why the heck did he just splinter that boy's arm?

Eva 040 wrote:Garrow fell to his knee's, coughing up blood. The boys stood over him

laughing. He felt hot and flustered. All he could hear was their laughing. He

felt adrenaline pulse through his body. The biggest boy stood over him, his

shadow covering Garrow. The boy reached down to grab his scruff. Garrow

grabbed his arm. The boy jumped. Garrow squeezed. The boys arm started

to crack and splinter, shards of bone tearing throuhg his fles. He screamed.

Garrows eyes burned red. He stood up, forcing the boy to the ground. The

boy fell, screaming at Garrow. Garrow twisted the boys arm and pulled. Blood

splattered over the ground. The Earth shook.

Garrow woke up. The train had buckled to a halt at the worn down station.

It had once been the greatest in the country, but now it was rusted and

dead. He pushed the train door open and jumped onto the platform. He

arrived in Ponty.

To be continued.

• I underlined 'fles' because I think you meant to say 'flesh'.
• I underlined the last sentence because I think it should be 'He had arrived in Ponty'

OVERALL:
I didn't like this very much. It was very short, undescriptive and, well, dull. You need to add more emotion or esle it's just telling us exactly what happened, and no showing.
Happy Editing,
.:Ayra:.

P•S• Please don't take my comments too harshly!

I liked this a little bit. But a little too much gore... you think you could tone it down a little? I mean it was awesome over all. But I agree with Ayra please don't double space it annoys some more than others. I think you could have expanded this a little more. I'm no expert so correct me if I'm wrong. Hope this helps. If you need any help I'm your girl.

-Max

first: I agree with Ayra - what's the go with the spacing?

*I'm going to format this into the way it should be*

second - here's the mistakes I found:

Garrow fell to his knee's --- should be "knees", the way you've written it, it means "knee is" ---, coughing up blood. The boys stood over him laughing. He felt hot and flustered. All he could hear was their laughing --- you've got the word "laughing" in this paragraph too close together, making it sound awkward ---. He felt adrenaline pulse through his body. The biggest boy stood over him, his shadow covering Garrow --- as a sentence, this isn't a great one. I think there can be more detail and the writing could flow better ---.

The boy reached down to grab his scruff --- should be "The boy reached down to grab the scruff of Garrow's neck" ---. Garrow grabbed his arm --- 2 "grabbed"s too close together --- . The boy jumped --- short sentence. Sounds a mite silly too ---. Garrow squeezed --- squeezed what? Didn't the boy jump? Therefore in the clear? ---. The boys --- "boy's" --- arm started to crack and splinter, shards of bone tearing throuhg --- "through" --- his fles --- "flesh" ---. He screamed. Garrows --- "Garrow's" --- eyes burned red. He stood up, forcing the boy to the ground --- confusing. I know if my arm had just been squeezed to a pulp, I wouldn't need to be forced down, I would be cowering down ---. The boy fell, screaming at Garrow --- if he's being kept down, how could he fall? Also the screaming would have come much earlier prior that ---. Garrow twisted the boys --- "boy's" --- arm and pulled. Blood splattered over the ground. The Earth shook --- the earth shook because blood splattered on it? WOW. That's strange. ---.

Garrow woke up --- it was a dream? ---. The train had buckled --- buckled? um. . . no, not right word --- to a halt at the worn down station. It had once been the greatest in the country, but now it was rusted and dead --- not only a bad sentence, it is a useless sentence too ---. He pushed the train door open --- last time I checked, train doors opened themselves --- and jumped onto the platform. He --- "He had" --- arrived in --- "at" --- Ponty.

To be continued.

-------------------

hope I helped!

This is an okay story - but does it belong in Science-Fiction? So far there's not much science-y stuff in here - should maybe go in the adventure/action section/forum.

keep on keeping on!

jai

PM if you take my advice!

I like the story idea so far but I agree that it could be improved.

First of all, watch the spelling and grammar. People will enjoy your story much more if they don't have to worry about the typos.

I understand that you are trying to create drama with short, clipped sentences and it works for a while, but you need to add more description and show more than tell.

I'm looking forward to seeing how you improve!