The Unproper Princess

the pink with the lace? Or the baby blue with the frills?"
"oh, well..the pink goes with my skin tone..."
"ugh!" I cried gazing at my older sister,Grace in disgust.
"Miss Abbey?" My P.S. ( personal stylist) asked.
"yes?" I repplied
"When is ze matter?" She asked.
I took a moment. It has always taken me a few seconds to get past Joanne's "francais" accent.
"you mean what,",I corrected "What is the matter"
"What is ze matter" she repeated, waiting for my answer.
"it is ze fabriques? You don't like ze pink?"
"Well,Idon't, but that's not it. Joanne,'m different...
"You are unique" she broke in
"Yes..but why? Why am I so strange because I don't like pink or wearing dresses or.."
"because you are a unique personne." she cut in again.
I figured this was all I was going to get so I gathered up my teal gown in the most delicately
*(spell?)* way possible and walked up the winding staircase. all thewhile thinking[i] toe heel..toe heel.

oh..I apoligize for the title being the unproper f princess. I had changed it from fairy princess to princess rather quickly.
Yes I know there are many typos and spelling mistakes but I am just entering the writing world as just beginning to start showing some of my stories. I know they are not nearly as good as any of the people here but I'm just starting out, so they can get better.
If you'd like to help me with my stories or just wanna have a chat PM me

Nikki

1. Spellcheck is your friend.
2. Capitalization is your friend.
3. Punctuation is your friend.

I'd like to see more effort put into this. I'll give you a quickly edited version of your piece, then suggest a few more items to work on:

"The pink with the lace? Or the baby blue with the frills?"
"Oh, well..The pink goes with my skin tone..."
"Ugh!" I cried, gazing at my older sister, Grace, in disgust.
"Miss Abbey?" my personal stylist asked.
"Yes?" I replied
"When is ze matter?" she asked.
I took a moment. It has always taken me a few seconds to get past Joanne's "francais" accent.
"You mean 'what,'"I corrected. "What is the matter."
"What is ze matter?" she repeated, waiting for my answer. "It is ze fabriques? You don't like ze pink?"
"Well, I don't, but that's not it. Joanne,'m different..."
"You are unique" she broke in
"Yes... but why? Why am I so strange because I don't like pink or wearing dresses or.."
"Because you are a unique personne," she cut in again.
I figured this was all I was going to get so I gathered up my teal gown in the most delicate way possible and walked up the winding staircase, all the while thinking, Toe heel..toe heel.

There, isn't that better? Well... almost. I don't understand who these people are or why I should care. What's the plot? Apparently it's about how Abbey is different from other girls... But there's no description. I can't picture them. What are their clothes like? Where are they having this discussion? Does Grace just leave the conversation? You need more description, more action. Where is Abbey going at the end? What is the dress for? You don't necessarily have to answer these questions immediately, but give us more to go off of. Yeah, we have great imaginations, but that's not going to cut it for this story. You need to expand it -- a lot -- and give us a taste of what you're going for.

ok, thanks!
I'm really not very good at this and just learning so I don't really have much idea of what's going on. I'll write a new version in a few minutes.

Friendly Neighborhood Modliness:

If you like, Nikki, I can correct the title for you. If ever you have a problem that you're not sure how to fix, you can just go ahead and PM anyone whose name appears in light or dark green: those are the junior and senior mods, and we'll be glad to fix it up for you. ^_^

Also, you can edit the entry yourself any time via the 'Edit' button in the upper right hand corner of your post.

One last thought: I noticed that you have "Realistic Fiction" posted in the Other Fiction forum. Do these two pieces go towards the same writing project? If so, you'll want to label them as such [Part I, Part II...] in the title line rather then the topic description, and post them in the same forum. If not, ignore me, haha. Though, if you would like to move any of your threads, please don't hesitate to contact one of the mods.

On the subject of the story, I'd be glad to PM you with some thoughts and suggestions. ^_^

Best wishes, and best luck with the writing!

Thank you very much!

I know my writing really sloppy but I wrote something a little better in non-fic called a guide to snowshoveling. Wanna help me edit and improve it?

Sure, I'll go take a look!

I quite like the ideas in this piece. I like the way you've portrayed the characters mostly through the speach instead of dumping a character profile, it's an interesting technique, though I think Grace needs a little work. Also, something to set the scene, maybe between or before the speach.

This is a great start, keep up the good work.

And remember - quality over quantity - take your time so you can avoid easy mistakes.

thanks koko. I ahve some more work if you'd like to read it
called 15 money making ideas and in non-fic. I only have "1 money making idea" so far but you can check it out if you'd like.