I called him last night. Maybe it was because I was tired or maybe it just had to done. I told him to leave me alone, that I'm no longer doing anything to him and that I wished he would just leave me alone.
I'm dying for a cigarette right now. I'm craving the high of being able to sit back and stay calm. My dad left a pack of Marlboro 100's on the table today and I'd be all over that if the pack wasn't still sealed. I have to wait until I go see Jamie again to get a pack. I should really do that today. The butts of my dad's cigs aren't going to last me much longer. I have $5 in my room and I'm ready to put it to good use. I don't know where the hell I got $5 but I'm happy none the less. I mean, come on, $5 is $5 … who the hell cares how I got it. Maybe it was from that cheap hooker last week. Just kidding … I think, at least.
Maybe I'll cave in and call Julie and ask her to bring me a pack.
I have been finding a lot of new people on here and one certain person that I thought I would never see again. Under the circumstances, I'm doing alright. Jess said she'd call later so maybe this is my opportune moment. I love her and want to be able to confide in her but this is the first time I've found myself in this kind of situation with her so is it so surprising that I'm feeling queasy?
I'm finding out that a lot of people are going to get hurt. A lot of people are standing by things that will only hurt them in the end. Well, seeing as they were friends of mine, I hope the best for them and I hope that he lets them down gently but this is something that I highly doubt.
I found the tattoo that I want to get. It will either go on my back shoulder or on the inside of my left arm. It's a wolf … a beautiful wolf. It's the only thing that has really jumped out at me. I plan on getting it when I'm 18. Now I just have to talk to my dad. And, even if he says no, I'm getting it done. Maybe I'll tell him that so that he can at least try to be supportive. It's a whimsical wolf, standing (but you don't see it's feet), and it has it's back showing instead of it's front, looking over it's left shoulder. It has long, flowing fur and I think it's absolutely beautiful. Now that I look at it more closely, it looks like a human with a wolf's tail and wolf's head. The body looks more human than anything. Eh, I still think it's the one I'm going to get.
I understand that I'm blabbing but I really don't care. Focus on anything but the task or issue at hand and, well, you won't have to think about the inevitable. If it's inevitable, then why should I dwell on it and think about it all the time. Sure I'll have to think about it sometime but, until then, I'm going to talk about cravings, Julie, new people on myspace, Jess, lost friends, and the perfect tattoos. … And, apparently, I'll also end up looking like an idiot because I'm actually TALKING about avoiding what I'm trying not to think about. Oh well.
Who would have thought it? I cope with issues by completely ignoring them.
Go me!
