Her<You<Me

not sure what to call this. whatever it is...tell me what you think!
but don't be too critical, i wrote it in a rage at around midnight, so it's probably not too clear-cut
Sorry that I'm not her
Sorry that I'm not as pretty
Sorry that my skin isn't as freckled and flawless
Sorry that my tresses aren't as glossy and sculpted
Sorry that my personality doesn't exude as much confidence
Sorry that I'm not as entrancing and flirtatious
Sorry that I'm more dark and sarcastic
Sorry that I'm more perceptive and quiet
Sorry that I'm more desperate and yet less likely to open up
Sorry that your thoughts of me are more warped
Sorry that your thoughts of her are more rose-tinted
Sorry that she can't see what's in front of her
Sorry that you can't see what's in front of you
Sorry that I see what's out of my reach
Sorry that I didn't get this earlier
Sorry that you'll get this too late
Sorry that you're stuck on someone so conventional
Sorry that she's not me

Hi again ANA.

I seem to have only one request at a time on your poetry.

This format is obnoxious. "Sorry that" is repeated is repeated is repeated is repeated is repeated is repeated is repeated too many time. Just like you would write in prose pieces, you would not start every sentence with "I" or "She" or "He", etc. You have to vary your starters, and vary the topics.

Definitely change the format. I'd take the idea, scrap it, and start over anew with a new image on what you want this to be about and how you want it to be perceived.

Happy Editing!

thanks for the input!
i wasn't intending for the repetition to become obnoxious
the "i'm sorry that" was supposed to be the focus of the poem--how seemingly desperate apologies change to sarcastic and perceptive ones.
my one question is--was the purposefully vague storyline clear enough?
the narrator likes a boy, who isn't much remarked upon other than for being oblivious, who likes a conventionally cute girl who the narrator considers herself to be of better character.

Yeah the storyline is okay. I can tell that the girl really likes the boy and it's a one-sided love but born out of frustration but it annoys me a little because of the repetition of, "I'm sorry that."

It was hard for me to read this simply because it was a list more than a poem. Lists are generally boring to read, simply because they look like you're going shopping rather than expressing the soul. However, I did read it, and with a quick rewrite, it would be pretty good.

AndNeverAgainx3 wrote:Sorry that I'm not her
Sorry that I'm not as pretty

First off, combine these lines to make the theme of the whole poem: "Sorry that I'm not as pretty as her."

In the following lines, I'm removing every mention of "as" or "more". It's obvious you're comparing yourself to her, but without completing the simile, it looks dumb. It's much better like this:

Sorry that my skin isn't freckled and flawless
Sorry that my tresses aren't glossy and sculpted
Sorry that my personality doesn't exude confidence
Sorry that I'm not entrancing and flirtatious
Sorry that I'm dark and sarcastic
Sorry that I'm perceptive and quiet
Sorry that I'm desperate, yet less likely to open up
Sorry that your thoughts of me are warped
Sorry that your thoughts of her are rose-tinted

These lines have to be my favorite of the whole poem:

Sorry that she can't see what's in front of her
Sorry that you can't see what's in front of you

I felt like I related more to these lines than at any point throughout the rest of the poem.

Sorry that I see what's out of my reach
Sorry that I didn't get this earlier
Sorry that you'll get this too late
Sorry that you're stuck on someone so conventional
Sorry that she's not me

And in the end, you turn it around back on him.

I enjoyed it otherwise. It's too list-y as it is, but it's still good.

Well, Via already caught onto the annoying repetition... in poetry, repetition should be used (or it is taught to be used for) giving meaning and enphasis to something, rather than to create an annoying affect. Oh well. ^_^


The only other comment I can make is that this poem does nothing for the reader. It's about you, her, and the guy. How is your reader suppose to feel? Ask yourself this as you think of the poem: What do I want my reader to feel as a result of the poem? What should they think? What common event/emotion am I presenting to the reader that they can relate to? Be sure you can back these up with lines from the poem, so you know that the effects you want are occurring. It may call for a [major] rewrite.