last poem of summer

If it weren't for the fact
I'm openly a closet-romantic-turned-cynic,
I'd swoon.

Three long years together -
how'd you ever manage?
The once a quarter fight
spice up life? Or the
meltdowns 'round Christmas
and family plights
keep you more concerned with
those endings,
and keep that one at bay?
Maybe it was that one week last summer
when all but alone you stood by -
through the petty trials and break-downs
abandonment and oppression of others.

I wish you were mine.


Rejoice! I've posted something (Jacko). The middle is really weak, any suggestiosn there specifically? Especially the last line of the second stanza. It's icky. Otherwise, ta, all!

Mesh

Hmm ... I think the main problem with the middle, at the moment, is that most of it is a series of questions. I'm not a fan of questions in poetry, at least not if they're used excessively. I tend to find it weakens the poem. Something to think about.

The last line of the middle stanza is just too wordy. Take either abandonment or oppression out. Actually, it's basically the series of words (following break-downs) which is a list, pretty much. Lists are weak too, along with questions. We need more concrete statements in the second stanza. At the moment it's mostly conjecture and it's floaty and weak. It needs to be grounded with some stronger lines.

Nice finishing line though. Even though it's somewhat cliche, and unneeded, as that's the message of the poem, it still sounds good.

I'm not quite sure about the "but you can never know" part. Seems unneccesary. You're a good enough poet to convey this within the poem itself, rather than stating it. Remember, poetry is about saying something in a different way than ever before.

Nice work, though, and thanks for posting something! *remembers to badger Bek in future*

Ta, Jacko. I'm gonna play with this a bit, now.

Hi there Mesh,


I see potential here.

However, I am left wondering what it is you are desiring. You might "swoon" for the unknown "you" (or is it directed to me, the reader? This is unclear)--who, because you chose to describe circumstances instead of personalities, remains unknown throughout.

As Jack indicated, there are too many questions in the second stanza. Furthermore, you have no rhythm in that stanza. I would suggest you pull out a bag of marshmallows, light this up and from the ashes create a worthier poem.


All the best,
Brad

I agree that there are too many questions in this, but I don't think you should get rid of them.
I think you should elaborate on your questions. Now they are just thrown into the poem in rapid succession, with a bit of imagery added in to spice them up. I think you should add more imagery, like maybe some striking metaphors? Sorry; I love metaphors.

Meshugenah wrote:The once a quarter fight
spice up life? Or the
meltdowns 'round Christmas
and family plights
keep you more concerned with
those endings,
and keep that one at bay?

This has some scant imagery, but I'd like more. *is hungry for figurative language*
I'm no poetry expert, but in my opinion, you could make these questions more interesting by not only asking them but including some subtle description that represents the question. If that was confusing, I'll say it more simply:
For the 'once a quarter fight' line, I think you should add in a slight description/bit of imagery taht makes the reader think of fighting. You dig?

Anyways, now I'm all embarrassed because 1) You're older than me, and an admin...I probably seem very immature at the moment and 2) my review was probably very unhelpful.
But, Oh well. I tried to review this properly.
Cheers,
Ayra

I agree with what the others have said: there are too many questions here. It's so much more enigmatic to write the answers but not the questions, than the questions but no answers. I think you need to condense first, and later, if necessary, expand--but take it down to its most elemental form first and then work from there.

Also, perhaps more abstract imagery would benefit the message and the poem? As it is, things are very concrete and almost banal--which, as in Coleridge's early works, we can see does work and is in fact very effective--but here it's just not quite clicking, so perhaps a shift to the more abstract and vague would be beneficial.