Summer's Song

Summer danced,
As the sun beamed down,
On the grassy plain.
Along the stream she went,
With no care in the world.

Summer wept,
And the rain came down.
It fell in showers,
Cooling the blistering heat,
On a sunny day.

Summer sang,
And the wind did too.
It came from her lips,
Sweet, whistling sounds it made,
Like music too one’s ears.

Summer gave,
To her brother Autumn,
The chance to control.
To make leaf fall; wind blow
And let time take it's toll.

Fan!
You're back! Oh wow, it's been so long since I've talked to you! And guess what? I learned how to do a real review! With quotes 'n all that! *gushes on for hours*

Fantasyartist wrote:Summer wept
And the rain came down
In showers it fell
And cooled the blistering heat
On a sunny day

I think it would sound better if it where: 'It fell in showers' instead.

Fantasyartist wrote:Summer gave
To her brother Autumn
The chance to control
To make leaf and wind blow
And make his presence known

I think the ending line could be more striking, the kind that would make you think about it for a long time after you've read it. You know?
However, I'm no expert at poetry, so I won't be able to provide examples.

I loved this!
Partly because I'm partial to poems about the Seasons, and partly because it just flowed so well and the imagery was excellent.
I really thought it was awesome how you related wind to singing. The part about weeping to tears is a tad cliched, but then again, what else could you compare it to?

Overall, this was awesome!
Keep writing!
-Ayra

Very nice!

I can imagine this as a song of some sorts. Echo to Elfie up there, and some other stuff:

Summer sang
And the wind did too
It came from her lips
Sweet, whistling sounds it made
Like music too one’s ears

Too = to

And there doesn't seem to be much punctuation present here. So with just the first verse for example,

Summer danced
As the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain.
Along the stream she went,
With no care in the world.

Savvy? It was very good, you just need some technical tweakings.

I think that your poem might flow better if punctuation was changed-
e.g.-Summer danced;
the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain.
Along the stream she went
With no care in the world

The poem itself is really good. I love the imagery .

It's beautiful in description and I love the whole point of it but I would change a few things:

Summer danced
As the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain
Along the stream she went
With no care in the world

Summer wept
And [s]the[/s] rain came down
[s]In showers it fell[/s] It fell in showers
[s]And cooled the blistering heat[/s] Cooling the blistering heat
On a sunny day

Summer sang
And the wind did too
It came from her lips
Sweet, whistling sounds it made
Like music too [s]one’s ears [/s] all

Summer gave
To her brother Autumn
The chance to control
To make leaf and wind blow
And make his presence known

Other than that it's completely awsome.

That was realy good.It looks like everyone already pointed out the mistakes that you made so all I really have to tell you is keep up the good work. PM me someime!

I've finally gotten around to making the changes you suggested. I can't believe I missed the punctuation x_x. A salute to all you helpful people!

Fantasyartist--


This reads like a first-time poetry exercise with its uneven rhythm and lack of basic care in presentation (spacing, punctuation, grammar) for an audience.

As a poem, it's a placeholder. The reader is confused by the title and led on a trail of description that provides little insight into the scene before finding a cliche ending.

I'm all for people learning to write poems. The form has a wonderful grace and economy when well executed. This clumsy piece, however, would probably have gained a great deal from a more substantial injection of time and energy prior to posting.

Toss it at the nearest trash can and try again.


All the best,
Brad