my first

oh why do the push me to the brink of life.
alredy my time's elapsed and now i live with all this strife.
I've gotta stay and waste away the little voices going round my mind.

all from now my hand is clasped..

mhm...lotsa spelling and capitalization errors in this. It really distracts from the work, so make sure you look over your work and fix all these before you post.

Oh, why do they push me to the brink of life?
Already my time's elapsed, and now I live with all this strife.
I've gotta stay and waste away the little voices going round my mind.

all from now my hand is clasped..

Okay so there were some of the errors I've noticed and fixed for you. Also, I would suggest splitting the third line into two. Maybe: I've gotta stay and waste away [break] the little voices going round my mind...I just feel like there should be a pause there, but you're the author, so ultimately you decide. As for the last line...I do not understand in the least. What point are you trying to get across?

Well...I actually kind of like this. It's really short though and very vague, I think you should add more description and add more to it, basically. I kind of get the gist of what is going on, but I'm not really sure...you know? The last line especially, throws me completely off.

Other than that, I think it's good for your first poem Keep writing!

Audy's pretty much said all I've got to say, but well done. That's a really good start. I like the ideas that are coming through, but it's still confusing.

Just, (like Audy said) make it a little longer. People need to understand what point you're trying to make more clearly, there's an idea there, but it's not coming across. More discription, or (if you don't want to describe the situation) show more feelings and explore the ideas that are already coming through.


It's great, and I really like this, so keep it up!

i agree with the people above me, you started out well, keep going :]

benny wrote:oh why do they push me to the brink of life.
already my time's elapsed and now i live with all this strife.
i've gotta stay and waste away the little voices going round my mind.

all from now my hand is clasped...

I was confused about three things. The first was your capitalization. I'm not sure if you're going for e.e. cummings or if you just didn't spell check. I decided the that first fit your style better, and changed "I've", chalking it up to Microsoft Word auto-correct.
The second thing was the last line. I just don't get it. IT sounds really fantastic, but I don't understand it. Are you talking about rigor mortis or something?
The third was your rhyme scheme. I got clasped-elapsed, but I think that, unless there is some meaning in it that I don't get (see sig) you should either make lines 3 and 4 rhyme, or get rid of strife/life, because it's the most overused rhyme next to night/light.
I liked the sound/rhythm of this and I dig your imagery. All work needs a looking over before it reaches its full potential,

Well, I like it. Which is something, I'm not into poetry :p
Just do some proof reading, no? I find the easier it is to read, the more critiques you get, and they tend to be concentrated more on the content if the typos aren't distracting.
Hmm....
I think it's supposed to be vague, right? It makes me think. I'm assuming that's what you were aiming for.
I agree that it sounds as if there is supposed to be a break after stay and waste away. And I must admit, the last line is confusing. I get the idea with the rest of it, or at least I get a personal impression from it, but the last line doesn't fit with it exactly. I don't know how to explain it... as I said, I'm no poetry writer/reader.

-pokes- so when are you putting up one of these stories I've heard so much about, hmm?

oh why do the push me to the brink of life.
alredy my time's elapsed and now i live with all this strife.
I've gotta stay and waste away the little voices going round my mind.

all from now my hand is clasped..

Someone already caught onto the spelling errors, so I won't waste your time with that! Just be sure that before you post, you read over your work a few times so that way it looks its best. Also, the last line doesn't make much sense...?

This is a really good place to start poetry, but there is a lot more to poetry than what you have here. First off, the poem is just talking about you, and we don't even know why you feel that way that you feel. If you write a poem about yourself, you need to be sure that the reader can relate to the poem, and feel with you, and think with you. Poetry is an amazing form of emotional expression, and it does help you to heal, but if you are writing poetry for people to read, it doesn't always cut it.

Keep in mind poetic elements, too: imagery of the sensed, taste, sound, sight, touch, smell. All of those help bring poems to life. Use metaphors to paint pictures and express your feelings in a more vivid manner.

Since you're only fourteen, and I know when I was fourteen I wasn't all that well read in poetry, I suggest you read some poetry. That is the best way to learn.

Best of luck! And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.