I need a title! Any body have some good titles for this?

It was a slow day. A small shop in the middle of a small town. I guess nobody was going out for the rain and fog was so thick you could barley see through it. I made my way to work that day in the ice cold rain, I knew that most stores would not have even opened for the slightest sign if a rainy drizzle. Renasia was the type of town were truckers stopped by to fill up the tank, grab a bit to eat or find a little shelter for the night and be gone the next morning leaving no sign of ever being there. It was what made Renasia the peaceful, quite hick town that it was.


I opened The Shop at almost half past six, I closed at a half past twelve. It was getting near to lunch time and there was not a soul in sight, not in the streets, the nearby coffee shops, nowhere. I decided it was time to close. I was also getting a little scared. Me being the only one there, and it seemed the only one on the whole block, anything could happen and there would be no one to hear my screams. Now I was just freaking myself out. I went to the back of The Shop and called home, "I should be home in about half an hour. There are no customers and it is getting cold. I'm coming home." Dee, my husband, was to be waiting for my return. I felt that I didn't want to drive all the way back home on my own with no one knowing where I was. Just in case something were to happen.


I locked the shop and got in the car. All seemed fine. I was starting to think that maybe I was just scaring myself over nothing. I was on Maine Street, a normally very busy street, when I saw a man and a small girl cross the street a little in front of me. They didn't even look to see if there was any traffic. They didn't even acknowledge me there. I kept on my way, I was only 20 minutes from home. It was getting darker and darker by the minute. I turned the heat on in the car. It was a 1994 Pontiac Sunfire and the heat was not very good. I was going to turn it in for a better car as a Christmas gift for myself, which was a long way off seeing as it was only July. Early July at that. The car warmed slowly. I was starting to feel a little stuffy though. I was coming down with a cold, I could feel it coming.


I was smiling to myself, thinking about how Dee had just recovered from the flu. I had most definitely caught it from him. Great. But now the tables were turned, he would be taking care of me now, running to my bedside, fixing me dinner for a Chang and it would be him working his butt off by himself at The Shop. Not me. I guess I got caught up in my little daydream because I had ran a red light and hit a speed bump. Oh well, the car was raggedy already. I was almost home by then. Two more blocks and I would be there. I turned down the radio and slowed down, I knew it was a deaf child area. I was in front of the house in no time. I turned the windshield whippers off, the radio off and the car off and got out.


There was a note just inside the screen door. I didnt know who it was from. No signature. I stuck it in my coat pocket. I fumbled with my keys until I found the house key. I quickly let myself in and got out of the rain. "DEE! I'M IN! " I yelled through the house, not knowing where he was, upstairs or down, in the kitchen or in the den. I got no answer. He was probably asleep in our room or in the sitting room. I didn't hear the TV either. I walked through the house in search for him, as I thought, he was asleep in the sitting room. He was supposed to be waiting on me. I went to the upstairs closet and pulled a thick blanket from the top self. I went back downstairs to the sitting room and draped it gently over him.


I went to the kitchen and took my coat off and flung it on a chair. Then I poured myself a cup of tea. I was so glad Dee made tea every morning. It was just what I needed. I sat down and drunk it then opened the newspaper that was delivered every morning. I was getting tired. The sound of rain always made me sleepy. I went upstairs, kicked my shoes off and put on a pair of Dee's pajamas, all of mine were in the wash. I crawled into bed and quickly fell asleep.


It was five o'clock when I finally woke up. Dee was still in the sitting room, he was now eating a fried bologna sandwich though. I walked in and sat down next to him. the blanket had been carelessly thrown to The floor. The day was nearly over and I had not got anything done. But sometimes you need a day of rest, even God got one. I asked Dee what he was about to do. "Either go back to bed or break out the PlayStation 3." He said with a little laugh. He was 25 years old and still played video games. But that's why I love him, for the kid at heart. I went to the kitchen and opened the freezer, pizza, fish sticks and peas. I took a pizza out and laid it on the counter then turned the oven on. I walked to the dishwasher and opened it to find that Dee had not even started it today. I pulled out the pizza pan and placed it on the counter next to the frozen pizza. Then I started the dishwasher. I hand washed the pizza pan and dried it. I put the pizza on it and slipped it into the oven.


I turned and saw my coat, still flung over the chair. I picked it up, ready to take it to the coat closet. An envelope fell out. The note that was in the door earlier. I opened it. "Mia, please meet me in the Resonita Cafe at one o'clock tomorrow." So the person knew my name. By the handwriting, I assumed it was a man. The writing was small and it looked as though they didn't take much time on it at all. I put the note in my purse. I decided not to tell Dee about it. I don't know why, I had nothing to hide. Something inside just didn't say anything about it to him. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the pizza was done. I took it out and called Dee. Even though he had just ate, he was always ready to eat again. He was thin and muscular and he spent alot of time working out.


After we ate, Dee told me he had a surprise for me. He wanted to meet me in the Resonita Cafe at 12:45 tomorrow. So Dee and the unknown person were both expecting me in the same cafe at close to the same time. Would my thing with Dee be over by the time I was to meet the unknown person? I sure hoped so. I really wanted to see who it was but if it was a guy as I suspected, I really didn't want to get Dee jealous.

Ah!
I'm going to review this, but first you need to separate this into paragraphs. At the moment it's a huge block of text and the prospect of picking through it is rather daunting.

I though I had already gone through this with you. You must separate it into paragraphs.
Its hurts to look at it like this!

I changed your title so it wasn't in all caps. Caps aren't nice! They hurt peoples eyes.

I can sometimes read non double-spaced writing on here, but not today. Please fix this up, it's very painful on the eyes.

Rena_Luvs_All wrote:It was a slow day. A small shop in the middle of a small town. I guess nobody was going out, for the rain and fog [s]was[/s]were so thick you could barley see through it. I made my way to work that day in the ice cold rain, I knew that most stores would not have even opened for the slightest sign [s]if[/s]of a rainy drizzle. Renasia was the type of town were truckers stopped by to fill up the tank, grab a bite to eat or find a little shelter for the night and be gone the next morning, leaving no sign of ever being there. It was what made Renasia the peaceful, quiet[s]e[/s] hick town that it was.

A few points to notice, never refeer to the audience as you unless writing in second person point of view. This was a large info dump, I dont really care about the town, I want to know who the character is and what is going on now. The first paragraph is the attention grabber, you need to draw the reader into the world and story so they want to keep reading.

I opened The Shop at almost half past six, I closed at a half past twelve. It was getting near to lunch time and there was not a soul in sight, not in the streets, the nearby coffee shops, nowhere. I decided it was time to close. I was also getting a little scared. Me being the only one there, and it seemed the only one on the whole block, anything could happen and there would be no one to hear my screams. Now I was just freaking myself out. I went to the back of The Shop and called home, "I should be home in about half an hour. There are no customers and it is getting cold. I'm coming home." Dee, my husband, was to be waiting for my return. I felt that I didn't want to drive all the way back home on my own with no one knowing where I was. Just in case something were to happen.

When starting dialogue you should always start a new paragraph. The dialogue is not very realisitc, it feels too structured. try and loosen it up, think about how you speak when talking on the phone and emulate it in your writing.

I locked the shop and got in the car. All seemed fine. I was starting to think that maybe I was just scaring myself over nothing. I was on Maine Street, a normally very busy street, when I saw a man and a small girl cross the street a little in front of me. They didn't even look to see if there was any traffic. They didn't even acknowledge me [s]there[/s]. I kept on my way, I was only 20 minutes from home. It was getting darker [s]and darker[/s] by the minute. I turned the heat on in the car. It was a 1994 Pontiac Sunfire and the heat was not very good. I was going to turn it in for a better car as a Christmas gift for myself, which was a long way off seeing as it was only July. Early July at that. The car warmed slowly. I was starting to feel a little stuffy though. I was coming down with a cold, I could feel it coming.

Well, the issue is info dumping and reptative sentence structure. I did this and then I did that. There is no description of the character, at least none that left an impression. The narration didn't grab me, This is due to the info dumping and sentence structure. Mix it up, try and give us more insight into the character. Thoughts feelings, past. Make it a 3-D character rather than a flat 2-D one.

It's not bad, the story itself shows promise, the presentation just needs some hammering out. Hope this helps.

Ok, here's one no one mentioned, it said that a man and a child crossed the street with out even aknologing her. Would that mean that she almost ran over the people.Or am I just confuzed? I like the description of the weather outside. I will be waiting for the next part. I wondered who the guy was and what he wanted with maria.
Sorry, I have no clue about the title. ( sorry.)