"The Flame Which Lit Up The Soul"

The ORIGINAL:

"For The Ones Who Don't Know"
Mon Dec 10, 2007

I am but a cherry of a lit cigarette;
burning brightly in life limited to haste or
sometimes snuffed out, left stale,
in an ashy gloom for a time,
only to be rekindled in heat once more.

~~~

REWORKED Version:

"The Flame Which Lit Up The Soul"
Thur Dec 14, 2007

His soul is but a cherry of a lit cigarette;
burning brightly in life limited to haste or
sometimes snuffed out. His body left stale,
in an ashy gloom for a time until she suddenly
ignites what was lost in a flash of fire.

Nice. Interesting concept. A poem about cigarettes.

It was short, but that's okay. I think you could use more description. It's a bit simple at the moment.

Your language is okay, but could be better. Perhaps it would be stronger if you made it longer, it's often hard to say what you want to say in such a small amount of writing.

No, it's not a poem about cigarettes.

Your common misconception
is one of whom is unfamiliar
with literary terms and objectives.

The first time I read this through, I didn't like it because cherries don't burn. Well, I suppose they could (as is the case of many things) but they don't, generally. Then again, I suppose that isn't really so important. So on a second reading, I like it. The bright connotation of a cherry and the more drab connotation of a cigarette almost cancel each other out for an almost subdued take for the rest of the poem.

And to be rekindled in heat? Don't ashes, once fallen and extinguished, not relight?

Punctuation note: perhaps you meant for a colon instead of a semicolon at the end of the first line?

Lovely-ly short and self contained; the kind of thing that seems self-sustaining ^_^

inky_libertine wrote:No, it's not a poem about cigarettes.

Your common misconception
is one of whom is unfamiliar
with literary terms and objectives.

Touche!

It seems to me that
this poem tries too hard,
to relate the metaphor,
to the "metaphored".
Perhaps you consider,
your audience a tad unwise?

Well, you may have cause for that.

ah..poetry wars!!

it is a nice concept...but like others have said, you might want to work on it a bit. stretch it out some, it's a bit drab.

but cool!!

~enjeru

Um...Why did you delete this? I you have is
...gone.
Not much of a poem. I wich I could've read it. Are you going to repost this?
Please PM if you are.

-- M.B.Author