hatred

every year, lives are lost
hearts are broken, but for what cost?
a disagreement? one person's need?
colour of skin, religion or creed?

triggers are pulled,
knives are drawn,
we're left lying in streets,
our clothes are torn.

our world built on hatred,
revenge driving it on,
yet still, we argue
"how is it wrong?"

I think this would benefit if you used standard punctuation (Capitals for starts of new sentences etc) but generally it's pretty good. You have a nice rhythm, some effective rhyme and your point is portrayed well. Here's a quick line by line -

Every year, lives are lost;
hearts are broken: [s]but[/s] for what cost?
A disagreement? One person's need?
colour of skin, religion or creed?

Triggers are pulled,
knives are drawn.
We're left lying in streets -
our clothes are torn.

Our world built on hatred,
revenge driving it on,
yet still, we argue -
"How is it wrong?" [I think the last line could be stronger. Perhaps 'What have we done wrong' would have more of an impact?]

Other than that, maybe you could expand this to include some imagery. At the moment, it makes a strong point but it's all very simple - there's not enough for your reader to visualise so the horrors of death and fighting aren't portrayed very well. Rather than just saying 'knives are drawn' you could describe the consequences of that.

You expressed a very generic sentiment in a very generic way. I didn't care for it.

Approaching a very broad topic like this one, is something that should be done cleverly, and particularly. You DO NOT need to cover so much to push across the same point. Instead, allude to your point by focusing on one specific incident. In this way, you can use strong imagery and not come off as cliche.


+ Specifically the second stanza was a disaster. You broke down on your rhyme scheme inexplicably. And the language was very weak, especially the last line. Torn clothing is not compelling imagery. If people are dead, the last thing people care about is a bullet hole in their sweater. Foucs on the real issue.
+ And elaborate! Is this world built on hatred? I would argue not. So YOU need to make the case to me that it is. An arguement based on false logic is false. So prove your simple points first before your deeper ones.
^
The best way to do that? Let the reader come to his own conclusions! Allegory works!


It's said again and again. Before posting; ask yourself; "What makes this unique?". There is nothing wrong with tackling a cliche, so long as the way you approach it is unique. In this case, it wasn't.




EDIT IN RESPONSE TO THE POST BELOW: It doesn't change my opinion of the poem one bit if you wrote it when you were 11. If you wrote it upon coming out of the womb it would still be a mediocre poem. I ask why you posted it as it is, when (hopefully seasoned by your advanced years) you can now recognize it's shortcommings. Instead, a much more perferred action would have been to rewrite it as a representation of your work today.

And your words seemed to imply you had not recieved constructive criticism yet. Clearly I'm misinterpreting your words because what else do you call what kitty and I wrote?

..

smorgishborg wrote:EDIT IN RESPONSE TO THE POST BELOW: It doesn't change my opinion of the poem one bit if you wrote it when you were 11. If you wrote it upon coming out of the womb it would still be a mediocre poem. I ask why you posted it as it is, when (hopefully seasoned by your advanced years) you can now recognize it's shortcommings. Instead, a much more perferred action would have been to rewrite it as a representation of your work today.

And your words seemed to imply you had not recieved constructive criticism yet. Clearly I'm misinterpreting your words because what else do you call what kitty and I wrote?

QFT, as they say, although you could cut her some slack since she essentially admitted that it wasn't going to be fantastic from the start.

Well, I agree with kitty15 on the punctuation and the imagery.
It's a very overdone/cliched theme, but that doesn't bother me. This poem tells the truth and yes, it's simple, but I definitely wouldn't ay it's bad.

So. I'm horrible at poetry, but all the same, I think you could make this better by adding some/one stanza of imagery and describing the outcome of war etc. I would include an example but I would only embarrass myself.
However, I would suggest describing specific settings that remind you of war; for example, soldiers thrown dead into ditches etc. Just so that the reader really understands the horrors of war.

I also think that you could elaborate more in the end of the 2nd stanza--isn't there something else [other than torn clothing] that reminds you of war/hate/murdering?
I know it might be hard to change since you're using a rhyming scheme, but it's work a try.

I actually quite liked the rhyming; it flowed well and made up [somewhat] for the lack of imagery. You should continue the rhyming if you plan on making more stanzas.

All in all, I think this was pretty good. Short, but good. Although the lack of punctuation was kind of jarring, so you might want to fix that.
Keep writing,
-Ayra

P•S•- You wrote this when you were 11? That's awesome!

every year, lives are lost

for the first word, capitalize it. Put a coma or period after "lost".

With this poem, just about every two lines you need a capitalized letter:

a disagreement

the "a" needs to me capitalized,

triggers are pulled,

"triggers" the T should be capital.

knifes are drawn,

make that coma a period.

we're left lying

make the W capital.

our world

make the O in "our" capital.

how is

make the H capital.

I think you have a great idea here that just needs a little bit more molding done to it. I also think you should change the last line to something more powerful, but I can't think of what to replace it with. Everything said in this poem is really happening in the real world, people murder because of: Race, religion, money, and more!

Well I hope this info helps!

Firearris