Halogen Suns

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
1.

A thousand halogen suns burn the Astroturf
at night,
the sounds of the trumpet and the drums – bass, snare, cymbals –
heralding our warriors:
black and blue and blistering
with raw presence and power.
They march onto the desert
whose sands are scorched by
the halogen suns.

2.

From the sidelines
groans and grunts of dying soldiers
shatter the seconds
on the clock.
First down and ten yards to go.
These gladiators of the pigskin
may not make it, you know.

3.

They cheer.
They shout.
As bones are broken and
droplets of sweat glisten
under the desert sun
hanging in the air like crystallized
tears, shed for our side.

4.

He takes the pass, beautiful pass,
and rushes. That’s right, down
the corridor. They’re tailing him
and, hell, he’s fast. Look at that, he manages to lose them.
(and ten yards to go.)
I smell burning turf! Yes, there you go, folks, right into
the end zone. What a –

5.

A thousand halogen suns burn
that landscape, where egos are crushed and
men die, drowning in their own
diaphoresis, trapped inside a cage of plastic, and vinyl, and shoulder pads.
(The uniform of our warriors.)
Those warriors of Monday nights and Sunday afternoons
and bowls and incandescent sponsors.
Those suns burn – night and day – and
are never extinguished.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 317
wow this was awesome. you drew me in from the beginning and i dont even watch football.
your discriptions were very vivid. the numbers stopped the flow alittle, but that is all i could find negative.

welcome to YWS.
i look forward to reading more of your work.
great job

kim




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1330
Reviews 900
Okay. I like the imagery of this, and how you make football into something almost noble, and like a true battle. As one who detests the sport, American football especially, I think you've done well.

Now, I do not like your structure, I think some of the lines could be connected together, and some to begin, seperated. The flow is lost if you read it properly, with your line breaks, and that takes away from the overall poem.

Your last stanza, as well, I do not think ends... At all. It seems to lead on to more, without a real end. Look at it, and see what you can do about that.

I also dislike the asides in brackets, they do not fit and take away from the poem. Scrap them.

As I said, I like your description and think you have done really well on this, there are just those issues above that I think you need to work on.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.



Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)