This is for an English project. We were asked to imitate Judy Brady's style in her humorous essay "I Want a Wife." This is the first of two essays similar in composition to Brady's. I am primarily doing this for the grade, but I wouldn't mind hearing what you guys think.
I Want a Boyfriend
Relationships are hard. They take effort to make them work. Sometimes that effort is shared equally among both members and sometimes more of the load is shifted to an individual. This individual shoulders the burden of keeping the relationship afloat during tribulations and difficulties the two may encounter. From my experience, that individual is usually the boyfriend. After all the effort demanded from them, a boyfriend seems like a pretty good investment. Why not get one?
I want a boyfriend that takes care of me. I want someone who will get soaked head to toe running through the rain to bring the car closer so I can stay completely dry. I want a boyfriend that will take me to see a movie and buy me popcorn and candy and of course a large mountain dew even though I know he can’t afford it on his meager salary. I want a guy that will not only pay for his gas but also fill my car up every week so I can make it to class and back. I want someone that feeds me a steak dinner each Friday night even though I never finish even half of what I order. It would feel good to be taken care of.
I want a boyfriend that listens to me. He should love all of my stories about what my friends and I have done during the day. I want him to ask me questions about how class went so I know he is interested in what I want to do. I want him to be prepared to listen to me ramble for hours about what is wrong with my life and how no one is fair to me. He would have an infallible memory and remember every detail of every event so I don’t have to waste time repeating myself. I mean, is that too much to ask?
I want a boyfriend that makes time for me. I want someone that schedules their calendar around my life. I want him to be sure he always responds after the first ring of the cell phone in order to receive his next assignment in a timely manner. I want him to always be available to attend last minute engagements with me, because everyone knows you can’t go alone. At these events, he will never seek out other males to converse about football or other childish things. He will love to talk to my mother and my sisters about me and what is new in our wonderful life together. He will love to watch movies about senseless and pointless romances with me at his side. Not only that, but as I am forcing him to watch it, he will tolerate me talking during the movie to the point that the plot can’t be followed anyway; who else will comment on Kate Hudson’s outfit?
I want a boyfriend that knows exactly what I want. He needs to understand when I want him to leave and when I want him to stay. He should be able to know when I am hungry and what I want to eat. He should take me on shopping sprees at large malls where he has to walk all day long. He should stay up with me as long as is needed no matter how tired he gets or if he has to work the following day. Speaking of work, he should always arrive early and perform extremely well on the job. After all, we must have job security to provide for our future. I should never have to ask for anything. It should be at my grasp before I can even utter the words. He needs to practically read my mind.
A boyfriend sounds like the perfect individual. I think everybody should have one. You should be able to buy one at any major retailer. Because they can wear out and grow old, new ones should always be ready to replace the previous models. I think a boyfriend would make everyone’s life easier. Don’t you wish you had one?
