Emy

2 posts
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localcreation
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 33
Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:25 pm
localcreation says... · Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:25 pm
She drew a heart on her sleeve because a star could hold secrets when hearts just bled to tell the truth. I'm not sure if when she says everything will be fine, whether I should believe her or if she's just hiding herself away from the world. The dark lines that float under her eyes look like storm clouds, ready crash and burn at any moment. Her movements aren't as they used to be; she walks with a sad somber limp, like someone just ripped her heart out and replaced it with lead. The poison is slowly eating away at her vast personality and bright demenor like it has an obligation to destroy her. Even her shadows that linger behind her every step trace back to the girl she used to be. Her smile has drifted away and the gold specks in her eyes have disappeared altogether. Where has the heart on her sleeve run off to? Because, without it, she's just a book full of dark secrets.
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Rydia
Supporter
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:45 pm
Rydia says... · Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:45 pm
Hello there, I don't believe we've met yet. Welcome to the site! I just thought I should let you know that one of the rules at YWS is that you review two pieces of work for each one you post so can you please write some critiques before you submit more work? Thanks. As for a critique...

This is too short to be anything much. Some of the description is quite nice but it's not all that original and there doesn't seem to be much of a plot to it. Also, if this is about Emy, why not use her name? I found that a little strange. I think you need to add more to this, develop a plot line and then add some scenery; a setting and other characters. Here's a few suggestions on the technical details too -

The dark lines that float under her eyes look like storm clouds, ready to crash and burn at any moment.

Her movements aren't as they used to be; she walks with a sad [s]somber[/s] sombre limp, like someone just ripped her heart out and replaced it with lead.

The poison is slowly eating away at her vast personality and bright [s]demenor[/s] demeanour like it has an obligation to destroy her.

Other than that, try to avoid the obvious imagery like replacing a heart with lead and a book of secrets. Try to think of something that's going to stand out. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
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2 posts


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