Hot Chocolate

Okay, I was bored and here i am wanting to post a dramatic description. Please do critique, but keep in mind this is the most random thing i have ever attempted.


I cringe.
The crisp winter air bites my cheeks
The pain so unbearable
I pull my scarf tighter around my neck.

I stumble.
The air so breathless and cold
I cannot feel my toes
My sled trudging behind me as i shuffle on.

I am a broken old mule,
hauling my stiff joints upon the most capacious mountain
waiting for my pleasant treasure
A sign of survival
water

Huffing, i finally arrive to my destination
Kicking my boots off and proceeding to a canter
A bee-line for the cozy kitchen

My unsuspecting mother hands me my mug
my rosy face intrigued with new found warmth
I stare into the depths of an unknown, auburn world
Raising the large mug to my dry mouth
all evil frostiness is pushed away in indignation

I sigh and look out the foggy window
"May i go sledding?" I ask again.

I'm going to write this stanza by stanza, and please don't take my comments too harshly. I liked this poem, but it does need some work.



Stanza One
Add some punctuation.
Make me care. It's the first stanza, there needs to be something to hook
you in to the poem.
Stanza Two
The sled is not trudging behind you. You are trudging and the sled is following because it is attached.
Stanza Three
I don't really understand this. First of all, your use of the word 'capacious' was a little off. Also, were you looking for water? I didn't think so, at least that's not what I got out of it. Try to make yourself a little clearer here.
Stanza Four
You did not arrive to your destination. You arrived at you destination. When you talked about kicking off your boots and cantering to the kitchen I had an image of a horse in the hall. Unless I have tragically misunderstood the poem, you are in fact not a horse and should therefore work on the wording here.
Stanza Five
Why is you mother unsuspecting? What does no not suspect? Usually one does ot describe the color of one's own face, so I would cut out the rosy. Also, intrigued means interested and it doesn't work here. What is the frostiness evil? Indignation? I don't think you meant what you said here. Also work on capitalization in the beginning of lines. Make it consistent.
Stanza Six
Quotations rarely work in poetry. It takes away from the imagery, which is a terrible thing indeed.


As a Whole

Originality: excellent
I think you really need to work on imagery here. While the idea is good, I really want to see her trudging up the hill, not be told that she is trudging up the hill. See what I mean? I would suggest working with a dictionary a little bit, because there were a few places where you used words that don't really apply. On the whole, pretty good, but it could be excellent with a little tweaking.

PM me if you have any questions

carelessaussie13

Thank you so so much! I will definitely work on it.