Alone: Act 1

Setting: A long school hallway, lockers on both sides.

(A thin boy with jet black hair slams his locker door shut as a blonde boy comes up beside him)



Estevan: Hey, Samuel!

Samuel: Yo Estevan, you coming tonight?

Estevan: Of course I am you dumb fuck!

Samuel: How you gonna sneak out with the queen bitch watching your every move?

(Estevan shrugs)

Estevan: Guess I'll just tell her I'm going to study or something like that.

(Samuel busts out laughing)

Samuel: Dude, you're like failing every class, you seriously think she will believe that bullshit?

Estevan: You're failing every class too! Such a dipshit....

(Samuel smacks the back of Estevan's head)

Samuel: I never said I had perfect grades, and besides you know I'm getting my GED as soon as I hit 16.

(Estevan rolls his eyes)

Estevan: The day you get your GED is the day pigs fly!

(Samuel snorts and the boys walk out of the school)

___________________________________________________________

Scene 2 later that night

(In Estevan's home)

Estevan: Mom, I'm going to study with Samuel.

Mom: What time will you be home?

Estevan: I don't know.

Mom: (Sighs) Just be back before midnight.

Estevan: Yeah, mom.

(Estevan's mother looks down at the dishes she is washing, in her heart she knew Estevan was going to turn out like his father)

Estevan: (grabs his backpack which is filled with bottles of alchol) Bye!

Mom: Bye, honey.

(Estevan's mom kisses his forehead and Estevan walks out the door)

_____________________________________________________________________

To be continued.....

Well... it was short and profane. Thats what I got out of it.

I'd really lengthen the scenes, you'll give your audience nausea if you keep switching locations so often. Also you put some very important details in your stage directions! A script is not a work of fiction to be read, a script is performed! So the audience will never know:
(Estevan's mother looks down at the dishes she is washing, in her heart she knew Estevan was going to turn out like his father)

A couple other notes:
+I can't really critique your story because the samle is to short. But it does have promise. But if Estevan commits suicide in the end then you need to make it less predictable.
+ The profanity is to much I think. If you haven't already, I'd read the YWS blog topic on this subject.
+ Why can't Estevan's mother hear the bottles clinking in the backpack? Or does she just not care anymore?

Thats it for this enstallment. If you continue with this, pm me and I'll give you another crit.

first off- you have GOT to lenghten your scenes. the audience will see no point in having them so short and they will get tired of waiting through scene changes. secondly-you have to remember that nobody is going to be READING your script, they will be watching it!!! your script doesn't have to include things like "she knew in her heart..." because nobody will see that. you have to convey those things with your characters. thirdly-there is NO reason for there to be so much profanity. your play doesn't gain anything through it. again, this is something that will soon tire your audience. if you walk down the halls of a middle school or high school today, you are sure to hear swears and the like but nobody talks like that! ever! finally-you should have more action in the second scene. perhaps when the bottles of alcohol clink in estevan's backpack the mother could shake her head or after he leaves the house she could start crying. and i'm sorry but i have one last thing to say- this story could come along really well but it definitely needs some development but, if estevan is going to commit suicide in the end (which by the looks of it, i'm guessing he is), it should come as a surprise to the audience. they shouldn't be guessing it all along. it should just happen. for examples you should read other stories that have something to do with suicide and see how it just pops out. the audience should have no idea what's coming. all in all, this could turn out really well. obviously, it still needs work but keep at it!

Okay, I agree with most of the things said, except for a couple.

First off, if you don't have the whole script completed and you want people to critique what you do have done (I do this too), then just give us a brief synopsis of what you think you plan to do with the story or what the topic of the script is, so people can give more in-depth critiques of what you already have.

Second, I don't think you necessarily have to lengthen your scenes. It all depends on what kind of script you're doing. If you want to make this into a play, you will have to lengthen the scenes. However, your scenes at current length are good enough for a screenplay. Screenplays don't stick in one place for very long because they incorporate a broader rang of visuals, where on a stage, you can only go so far with what you can show the audience. So, if you want to make this into a screenplay, go for it! You just have to add more stage direction and that stage direction has to be very descriptive because the director is only going to get to see the words because there won't be nearly as much dialogue as in an actual play script.

Third, both of your male characters seem very similar. This is normal for a first draft. When you complete this script and go back to re-write it, try and make a character chart for each of your main characters so that they are their own people. You answer questions like: 1.) What is their full name? 2.) What is their age? 3.)Where do they live 4.) What are 3 prominant physical traits? 5.) What are 3 prominant emotional traits? 6.) What are 3 prominant social traits? and 7.) What is one secret that character hasn't told anyone? These questions usually help you get to know how to shape your character a little better.

Besides all of this, I would just cut out some of the profanity (if you don't think it's necessary for the character to say).

Also, I like the fact that the mother can't hear the clanking of the bottles, especially if this turns out to be a screenplay. Why? Because there is a visual medium between the characters on the screen and the people in the audience. I had a screenwriter do a residency at my school last week and he told our writing class that it's better for the audience to know EVERYTHING and the other characters on the screen to know almost nothing because it keeps the audience more engaged and helps the characters on the screen keep the story moving. If they knew everything that was going on, the story would end the moment they found out.

I know this is probably a bit long and you might not read all of it, but with the stuff you do read, I hope it helps.