Forever

Forever

All the colors fade away,
it has come at last to be the day;
I fall.

Sight and sound slip afar,
a new darkness like a scar;
holds.

Present warmth of tomorrow's yesterday,
by my heart, kept at bay;
gone.

What I know means nothing yet,
frozen by the rhytms set;
here.

One more sunset to behold,
then there'll be nothing but the cold;
forever.
________________________________________
A little something I wrote a few days ago.
So, what are your thoughts? Comments?

Hmm. I like the idea you've used here, quite an original style but I think your rhythm needs to be more regular for it to work. Also, your imagery is currently quite simple so perhaps try to expand on some of that? Maybe add another line to each stanza so that you have more syllables to work with. Here's some ideas for you to consider anyway -

Forever [I think you could have a more original title. The title needs to make a reader want to read your work, especially on sites like this where there are many, many poems.]

All the colors fade away, [Hmmm. This line is nice but I think you could use stronger words. For example, instead of fade you could have drain.]
it has come at last to be the day; [Now this is why it doesn't quite work as well as it could. If this line had the same number of syllables as the first, it would sound much more natural. For example you could have -

The lively colors drain away
and now, at last, arrives the day;]
I fall.

Sight and sound slip afar,
a new darkness like a scar;
holds. [Again, your imagery could be strengthened just be re-wording these lines. Maybe instead of slip you could have disperse and the second would sound smoother as 'darkness forming like a scar;' and then you could have 'it holds' for the last line.]

Present warmth of tomorrow's yesterday, [This is a very clever way of saying the warmth but it takes some thinking about and I think there are too many syllables. Hmmm. It could be simplified to 'Present warmth of next dawn's yesterday' which flows a little better.]
by my heart, kept at bay; [If you lengthen this line, the other wont feel so out of place. Just add a little more imagery to it and aim for nine syllables or ten if you keep the original first line. Also maybe make the final line 'it's gone' or 'is gone']
gone.

What I know means nothing yet,
frozen by the rhytms set;
here. [Now this is the stanza I like best but rhytms should be either rhymes or rhythms and I think you meant to use the latter which is certainly the most effective of the two. Other than that, it's perfect though you might want to make the last line 'it's here']

One more sunset to behold,
then there'll be nothing but the cold; [This line might be better as 'then remains the bitter cold' though you do lose a little meaning from the words and you could probably come up with a better way to drop a few syllables if you spend some time on it.]
forever.

Overall, I think this is a well written little poem but it could be even better so take another look at it, read through my suggestions and see what you can do to make it more rhythmic and poetic without losing the meaning and base of the poem. Feel free to pm me with questions.

Heather xx

i really liked this, short and to the point.
i am not sure,if this is what you were going for, but it reminded me of death.
very emotional and well written.


keep writing
kim

Thanks for reviewing! All suggestions are welcome! This definately helps me.

*~*Foreseer*~*