Darkness in Love

It's really a sonnet I made for English class. My bro said it sucked but I hope that I could get other opinions here or tell me how to improve. I liked the idea of retelling the whole end scene of Romeo and Juliet in Juliet's point of view. Well pls tell me what you think =)

Darkness in Love

I wake up from this dreamless slumber
My heart again beats wildly for thee
Turning around to face my lover
Only a still shadow lies before me
Howling in chorus with the silence of fate
Thy memory haunts my every being
Trapped in our love ever so great
My hand reaches for the slayer in hiding
One last kiss before the painful deed
Your lips are motionless, pale and cold
Now, my love’s eternity I concede
Plunge to the depths of my sanity, behold!
As the crimson trickles down its fading heat
I knew that finally, our love is complete.

This doesn't suck at all. For the sake of experimentation, I'd suggest trying a draft in the iambic pentameter, as that's a really good disciplin, and that's what Shakespeare tended to use in his own sonnets, so it would be very appropriate. Be sure to check out my competition in "contests".
The fisrt thing I'd suggest is a little more punctuation as you have nine completely unpunctuated lines.
Your imagery is very good here, I really liked "Plunge to the depths of my sanity."
This progressed well, and I think you captured her voice effectively.
On the downside, I think some of your rhymes could be better, though I appreciate that it's really difficult to tell a story in this way, especially a well known story. I didn't think rhyming "slumber" with "lover" and "hiding" with "being" was quiet right, it sounded a little off. Maybe play around with these lines and see what happens.
Apart from that, you handled the rhyming really well, especially considering that you were trying to tell a well-known story.
I'm not sure "its fading heat" makes much sense, and I'm also not sure about "my every being" as it sounds a little forced.
Overall, however, you handled this really well. It was an interesting idea, and by no means easy. I don't think I'd be brave enough to try something like this, and I'm completely obsessed with sonnets! (Click on my portfolio if you need confirmation of this! Lol.) I think the register is appropriate, and you have some really powerful phrases here like "the silence of fate."
In conclusion, this needs a little tweaking, but it does not suck by any stretch of the imagination. Well done. I really enjoyed reading this. Hope this helps!

Wow, thanks so much for the review jasmine! =) No one has ever said anything like this to me before.. Thanks so much! Hahaa, i tend to forget punctuations, guess I better keep that in mind next time. You must be really a sonnet fan! I'll go check out your works now =) Thanks again!

Because you're new I won't be harsh.
It is really great. You say it as if you are lying next to him.
It is not bad and if you keep up this good work and try to improve and try to work on some parts that you feel uncomfortable with and fix it, you will go far.

I really like this. The rhymes are excellent, the subject matter is clever and intriguing, and I just basically love it. Great, fantastic job.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

Someguy wrote:Because you're new I won't be harsh.
It is really great. You say it as if you are lying next to him.
It is not bad and if you keep up this good work and try to improve and try to work on some parts that you feel uncomfortable with and fix it, you will go far.

Heehee thanks much! I'll try to edit further my other works next time. Kinda hard when you have the so called writer's block! hehe thanks! =)

EnchantressMuffin wrote:I really like this. The rhymes are excellent, the subject matter is clever and intriguing, and I just basically love it. Great, fantastic job.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

Yey glad you liked it! =) I think I was inspired a bit coz last year we did a play on Romeo and Juliet.. I poured my soul into writing since I couldn't act onstage.. sighs..

What do you guys think of this? Oh I have a new sonnet! Check it out soon!