Elephants

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This is a poem emulating Gary Soto's "Oranges", about a first experience. This is for my english class, so any critiques are welcome, in fact they are very much appreciated. If you could comment asap that would be great, seeing as I have a due date. :-)


Elephants


While gluing buttons
onto my paper
plate hat,
Teacher announces
“In the Festival
no one
will walk alone,
but instead
in pairs.”
A smile
grew across
my face, as I
glance towards
a messy haired boy.
My cheeks flush
and I turn away quickly
before he notices
my crimson face.

A phone call.
My aunt’s voice
fills my ears
as she presents
alternative plans.
She speaks
of a magical place
where mice speak
and elephants fly
with a majestic castle
stretching towards the stars.
But the journey there
takes place
during my Festival.
My mother says
“I can’t
decide for you.”
I’d have
to choose
between a fantasy
world, and a boy
whose playful smirk
makes the pain of
falling
from the monkey bars
disappear.
My mom
calls my aunt
to inform her
of my decline.
I smile,
and daydream,
while eavesdropping
on their conversation.

The day of
the Festival
a certain boy,
with temporarily tamed hair,
helps me glue
a last minute ribbon
onto my paper
plate hat.
As I stride
along with him
I can’t help
but feel
that I am flying
higher
than any elephant
could ever
carry me.
Last edited by xhalcyonx128 on Fri Nov 09, 2007 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 31
Cute! I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope to read more of your work.

I smile,
and daydream,
while spying
on their conversation.


I'm not sure how 'spying' would fit in to this line. If the narrator's mom called her aunt, wouldn't she be eavesdropping?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 114
thats the word i was looking for. thanks :-)



We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy