For When They Cry

For When They Cry

Beneath the surface it lies,
Seething with turmoil,
But it does not rise to face
The storm waiting above.

Sometimes the surface knows not
What is underneath,
It becomes so used to the calm.

In the masquerade ball,
The figure behind the mask
Doesn’t step forward
To accept their identity.

Behind the damp cave walls,
Those jewels do despair,
Sometimes they too wish to shine.

But the sun hides behind the horizon,
Making fair game with the moon,
When the trees do bow to the sky,
Instead of reaching for the earth.

And the earth does not orbit the sun,
But instead revolves around itself,
Its own gravity it cannot defy.

And the people behind their gods
Fail to admit to their lies,
Do not open their eyes to the sins,
But instead play games of chance.

And the real risk
Is not betting your life,
But living it.

hey now that's a great poem.......it seeths with deception, ignorance and hiding in ltttle niches..........you've used some good wording. it seemed abstract however and maybe that is why i didn't get it much. Or are you trying to say something?
anyway as a poem it was graceful, but a little toneless. but never mind me i don't think i can say it needs to be better, i couldn't pinpoint any weak points. it's a poem, a part of you, just like it's supposed to be. great job and thanks for the read.

I agree with the previous post on this poem. I liked the way this piece flowed together for the most part. There were some points I wasn't too clear on. Maybe it would help to make some more fluid transitions between each paragraph. I'm not too good at writing poetry so I'm not sure if you understand what I'm getting at here. Otherwise I thought this was good I especially liked the part about hiding behind religion that is so true and helps me connect with your poem on a personal level.

Hey, Emily? Or are you the oracle? Or Emily and the Oracle? Anyway, thanks for the pm. Here I am!

Okay, nasty critique first, then I'll praise and gush later, okay?

The person behind the mask

That seems like a little bit of an awkward line, specifically the word 'person.' See what you can do with it. It just didn't flow quite as smoothly as the rest of it.

When the trees do bow to the sky,

Um, grammatically you don't need the word 'do' here. When the trees bow to the sky would be fine. But if it changes what you were trying to say or makes it less smooth, that's okay. Grammar isn't the only thing that matters, right?

Don’t admit to their lies,
Do not open their eyes to the sins,

In the first line, "do not" becomes "don't" but in the second line you keep it as "do not." Unless there's a good poetical reason for this, you should try to be consistent. I would personally vote for the "do not," because it has more of an ancient, poetic feel - like the rest of your poem.

Besides these little nitpicky, unimportant things, however, I really think your poem is brilliant. Forgive me while I meander a bit about what it could mean.

You have a lot of lines in here about things beneath the surface, hiding behind the horizon, jewels in a dark and musty cave. Perhaps it's about a shy person afraid to live their lives? One line I especially liked:

Behind the damp cave walls,
Those jewels do despair,
Sometimes they too wish to shine.

That sent chills down my spine. It's also the line that made me think it's about a shy person who wants to live life, but is too afraid to be seen. THe shy people are the jewels, etc. I'm probably way of the mark here, but a good poem connects the reader personally and means a different thing for every reader. So that's okay.

But the sun hides behind the horizon,
Making fair game with the moon,

Beautiful line. No clue what it means, really, but it's beautiful. Congratulations on lovely phrasing there.

And the people behind their gods
Don’t admit to their lies,
Do not open their eyes to the sins,
But instead play games of chance.

This is the one verse that sort of destroys my hypothesis of shy people. *sigh* So it's about a sinful shy person?

Anyway, I'm going to stop trying to butcher your poem with my poor understanding. It's a really beautiful piece, smooth and with some lovely imagery. Nice job!

~Mademoiselle Kool

i really like the old english feel to your vocabulary; its a nice touch to the poem. also your metaphors and similes are amazing. you'll definetly go far.

And the people behind their gods
Don’t admit to their lies,
Do not open their eyes to the sins,
But instead play games of chance.

This line reminds me of the people I used to see when I would get bored in church. They all think their family is so perfect but their too afraid of the truth about their lies and such that they cover it up by ging to church instead.

Very great job. Excellent.

Thank you so much you all <3;;

Mademoiselle Kool- I changed the third verse, the part that was bothering you. I think I like this one better, with it saying "figure" instead of "person". Also, I changed the seventh verse, rephrasing things and moving them around.

I didn't change the tree bowing thing because...well I kind of like the way it sounds xD;;

And yes, you may take the poem in any way you wish. All the people I've shown it to find very different meanings in it, and I was sort of hoping for that. Something which holds a lot of different morals.

<3;
Emily

well, guess what, i decided to pop back and things have changed............in more ways then revision. i read it a couple of more times and voila i saw the sneeky genius tucked between the lines. madam kool obviously saw through it before me (drats!). i should have read it again before. 'jewels', 'sun, 'moon'.......i'm beginning to see it , the mist is clearing and.........well it's the great thing about poetry. i have never used analogies or metaphors actively but this peice will change things i beleive. once again thanks for the read.