Think you should revise it and change the lines to have more poetic phrasing. Als you should make the lines shorter, and cut and arrange them so it doesn't look like just a statement. It looked at first sight just like a statement, like a paragraph, not a poem.
But, on the whole, it deserves some revision. Keep writing.
Oh, and by the way, welcome to YWS. Heres a danceing elephant named Pootskootch:
