exquisite

he is smooth
he is new money green light scandalous
he is exquisite like a cigarette
______he burns like a cigerette
______he burns for her
she says, "Jay, let me light your cigarette"
______she wears her tea dress
______but tonight she will wear pearls

he says, "Daisy, you can drive my car,"
she says, "baby, I love you."


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This is actually meant to be read aloud, hence the italics. If I can, I'll try and record myself reading it. I think it's better that way, but you'll just have to use your imagination.

Inspirations include The Great Gatsby, The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Beatles.

i really like this, and you are right it is ment to be read aloud. it makes more sense.

It was written as slam poetry, so it doesn't go down "on paper" quite so easily.
Even read aloud, I'm not sure how much sense it makes.

I like this, a lot.

I like it, and I could definitely imagine a voice reading it. Imagining a voice reading it led me to get a better sense of the words, the way they fell, and who was reading it. I could imagine this really suave, clarinet-like voice in the beginning, lilting the notes... it gave me a great sense of the people in the poem, and of the movement of the poem itself. I absolutely love the structure, complete with italics for stressed phrases. I was trying to figure out what it was reminding me of at the beginning, and then when I read "Daisy" in there Gatsby clicked. Then that gave me a name for the voice reading the poem in my head (it became Nick) and everything connected... oh, I really loved this. It was so smooth. And the last lines, with bringing the beatles' song but fitting it into the Gatsby story, made me shiver. Great job.

Heck yes! I got Gatsby from "Daisy" right off, and now that I look again I see The Beatles reference as well.

And Darn.

It works.

I hate when I have nothing remotely helpful to say. And yes, I think it does make sense, but having read Gatsby helps, I think. (and slam poetry to fun!)

I hate to necro a dead thread, but I wanted to say thank you (and that I'm sorry I just got around to responding to this)!

I'm glad you guys liked it, and I love what BFG said about the voice reading it being Nick's when she read it. I hadn't even thought of that, but it's amazing!

I'm really glad you all liked it.

Is anyone going to take a stab at the Oscar Wilde reference? (It's slightly less obvious, but it's in there.)

You know, I really enjoyed that. And you're right, it sounds better when you read it out loud. I did -my mom looked at me like I was crazy- and it sounded, well, exquisite
I can't think of anything that should be changed, but wether that's because I am super-tired or I suck at reviewing poetry I can't tell. Probably both
Anyways, Great job!