Berries

Inspired by The Beatles' Strawberry Fields Forever and the garden of Eden.

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Beneath a sea of strawberries,
Where no soul would whimper of
Red eyed figures.
Let me take you down,
Where the dreams awake into the sounds.

As I’m sure you’ll agree -
It is a wonder to be found.

Forever, the skies will be blue,
And no eye shall be blood red.
The trees shall bear fruit,
And the bears shall eat none,
For peace is our only plea.

As I’m sure you’ll agree -
It’s a haven on the ground.

You will be fed aplenty,
From endless fields and drowning water.
Only, one you cannot touch.

The golden chalice to all others dull
So sweet as to make mine tongue melt,
And as to make my soul burn
In the fiery confines of control.

I warn you now,
Golden berry in hand:
Thus this berry you cannot have,
For into my mouth I’ll pop it!

As I’m sure you’ll agree -
It’s not as easy as it sounds.

thats an interesting one, ive never heard the song its based upon
but none the less i like it
the smaller sections have a good ring to them
maybe the longer sections are a little wordy
i dont know
i like it =)
x

I liked this, quite a bit. Added to the general liking of the poem itself, I also happen to like The Beatles, and that song. As such I can hardly bring myself to critique it.

I find that you have a rhyming couplet after the first two stanzas but then you skip to the end for the next couplet. This is a little odd, I would like to have seen either a couplet after each stanza or more of a pattern with them in general. Such as having one at the start, one in the middle then one in the end.

I will say that I rather like it and I find your description to be lovey indeed.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Mmm...

It's interesting. I found the poem quite light and cheerful, with a lot of numerous to the song, especially "Let me take you down"...though the poem had a contradictory meaning to the Beatles's song.

Overall, it was fairly good. What I don't understand is your sometimes superfluous flow of lyrical lines. For example, "The golden chalice to all others dull
So sweet as to make mine tongue melt,
And as to make my soul burn
In the fiery confines of control. " is rather unnecessary, and only takes me away from the poem itself, draws my attention away.

Otherwise...nice job. What was the message though?

Strawberry Fields----One of the best songs ever...