Untitled

This poem has no title yet. If you have any suggestions on a suitable title, feel free to post.
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A lonely lover
Wanders away from the chaos
And enters a new world
That imitates her emotions.

Surrounded by broken hearts
Strewn like decaying branches
Across the forest floor.

Mismatched and irregular rocks
Mimic her past relationships
As if mocking her of her mistakes.

Her reflection is cast across the water
Of a trickling stream
Clouded by
Old memories, thoughts and knowledge

She takes a deep breath
And throws a stone into the stream
Scattering the water
And blurring the mirror image
That she wants so badly to
Disappear.

"As if mocking her of her mistakes" - this line just doesn't sound right. Maybe try omitting "her of" making it "As if mocking her mistakes" ?

the fourth stanza also doesn't seem to flow just right with the rest of the poem. I think it's the way you split the last line of it up.. Maybe consider leaving "Clouded by
Old memories, thoughts and knowledge" as one line.. and take out the word "thoughts", as that makes it feel as if there are too many words (or syllables maybe?) in the stanza as compared to the rest of the poem.

That could help with the flow of it.

As for a name maybe "Past Reflection" or "To Disappear". I know, a bit unoriginal, but I tried.

Other than that, this is really good.

~Rea

Oh, Creative Writing...

Imagery. If any poem needs it, this one does. Right now, the setting of the poem is a little ambiguous. Yes, a forest...with some water? But that's so vague, so open-ended. Imagery is basically the backbone of your poem. Good images give your reader something to hang on to so that he's able to focus on the emotional aspect of the poem without drowning in it.

A lonely lover
Wanders away from the chaos
And enters a new world
That imitates her emotions.

This, for example, is not very concrete at all. It's very vague...I'm not really sure what's going on. Loneliness? Chaos? Emotions? What do they look like? How do they present themselves? Instead of telling me that there's chaos and that a world imitates this character's emotions, why don't you SHOW me instead? It's much more informative to look at (or eat!) a pie than to be told that said pie is delicious.

Cliche. Sadly, the end--casting a stone to disrupt one's reflection--is classic to the point of being criminally cliche. Haven't we seen that in practically every Disney movie, and then some? People don't want to read your poetry to have the same-old, same-old repeated back at them; they want to see something new and be made to think. Please, make me think. Don't show me something I've already seen, because I'm just going to walk away as bored as I walked in!

-Colleen

wow...i really liked that, though it was kinda angsty. if you want to title it, perhaps "a lonely lover" (like how Shakespeare didn't title his poems so they just gained the name of their first line) or "reflection", as it's sort of a recurring theme in the poem and can be interpreted in multiple ways.

i would recommend more imagery. you use great descriptions, but i would say to describe more of the big picture of where she is instead of just the little details. perhaps you can describe what she sees when she looks in her reflection.

it's really good. PM me when you have another draft!
~Deoris