Convictions

She rejects the morning after,
the sun no friend to her.
All that is left to her
opens faltering eyes:
an empty bed, empty bottle,
empty sinking in the pit of her
empty stomach.
Stealing away to the liquor cabinet,
shaking hands pour
just one shot
or two.
Just becomes another
glass-bottom convert.

She still goes to church on Sundays.

i like this

the only thing is the first three times you use "empty" they make a nice repetive pattern, but the fourth time you don't need it. just say stomach instead.

also "just one shot, or two" could be "a shot or two" or maybe even "a shot or three" to show how shaken up she is. the "just one shot, or two" sounds awkward though.

I would cut out the last line. I don't think it really stayed true to the whole meaning of the poem, and was just kind of an add in. *shrugs*

She rejects the morning after,
the sun no friend to her.
All that is left [s]to her[/s] [I don't like this here because you have "her" in the previous stanza]
opens faltering eyes:
[s]an[/s] empty bed, empty bottle, [getting rid of "an" makes all of these next lines start with "empty" which works really well]
empty sinking in the pit of her
empty stomach.
Stealing away to the liquor cabinet,
shaking hands pour
just one shot
or two.
Just becomes another
glass-bottom convert.

If you really want the last line in, perhaps bring it together with the word "convert". Convert to drinking, and to religion.

I liked it. ^_~ It spoke without having to speak directly. I loved how the last bits of it didn't tell you straight out what they were saying, but you understood it. I love stuff like that.

1.1-1.2
She rejects the morning after,
the sun no friend to her.

--The comma at the end of the first line is wrong; it should be either a semi-colon or a colon, and though a period would make sense grammatically I wouldn't suggest it. Personally, I'd insert a colon. It creates a sense of continuity.

1.3-1.7
All that is left to her
opens faltering eyes:
an empty bed, empty bottle,
empty sinking in the pit of her
empty stomach.

--I like the first two lines, but the way they're worded is a little too ambiguous. Also, I second halcyon; I'd cut "empty" either before "sinking" or "stomach." Three is perfect for repetition; four is just unwieldy.

1.8-1.11
Stealing away to the liquor cabinet,
shaking hands pour
just one shot
or two.

--The first line is too wordy in comparison to the rest of the poem, and "stealing away" too subtle and metaphorical when compared to the rest, which is somewhat more physical. Also, I agree with combining 1.10 and 1.11, deleting the "just." Works better that way.

1.12-1.13
Just becomes another
glass-bottom convert.

--Why "becomes?" It doesn't seem to make sense. Personally, I'd delete the last line and make this your conclusion. "Just another glass-bottom convert." If your reader is thinking about this poem the way he or she should be, they'll get it; you've set it all up nicely.

I thought this was amazing, although I have to agree that the last line just doesn't work. I think it's a good line though. Obviously I don't want to tell you how to write, so I'll just suggest maybe integrating it into the poem, instead of it being the end line.

Know what stood out to me? As a friend, and someone who knows the same people, and the same group of writers we spent so much time with in high school and learning together... the last line is a Lauren trick. And... yeah. I think it works, actually. It ties together the ideas you've put forth in the first stanza. Anyway. Other than that I really like this! My nit-picky nit-picks.



She rejects the morning after, I'm going to second Emmy on a semi-colon, here. If you're trying to go about this line the way I think you are (double-entrandre on "morning after" -- and the conflicting views on subject, as well as denial. Otherwise, we'll have to talk about this, da?), you need the pause.
the sun no friend to her. No! You're trying for too lofty of a wording. Keep it simple! It doesn't follow the first line in tone at all, you want to keep it more consistent, especially if you want that double-meaning I'm hoping was intentional, or none of this will make sense. But I don't like the line anyway. Too "fake-Shakespeare" and not your voice.
All that is left to her "What" instead of "all that"?
opens faltering eyes:
an empty bed, empty bottle, nix "an". I really want to play with the structure of the next few lines. Down below, ok?
empty sinking in the pit of her
empty stomach.
Stealing away to the liquor cabinet, Agreed, here. "Stealing away" I don't like.
shaking hands pour
just one shot Ok. What do you think of this?

shaking hands pour as
just a shot --
or two --

or two.
Just become another nix "just". And yeah. I added "as". Is that what you meant in these few lines? If not, I would suggest re-wording to make your meaning a bit more clear, otherwise it's confusing, and I love the image I see when I read those lines! I hope I'm right ><
glass-bottom convert.

She still goes to church on Sundays.



And i absolutely love your last line. It does scream Lauren to me, but it's ok. I like it. Then again, I like dark humor, so take it as you will.

Ok.. those line changes I was talking about? tell me what you think of this...

empty bed
empty bottle
empty sinking
in the pit of her
empty stomach.

Ok, so I would put each "empty" on it's own line for structure, get rid of punctuation to make it read a bit more frantic, but also highlight the change in pattern with the fourth line, and then back to the "empty" of the fifth. Make sense?

Eep! I didn't mean to go quite so all-out, but I haven't read poetry I've sunk my teeth into in a good long while. Sami, you must write more poetry. Your sense of irony is amazing, and I wish I could harness it as well.

Loverly, dahling. Here's to college and more poetry! *raises glass*