Beneath a magenta sky...

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Heavily revised version of a poem I posted a couple months back.

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White water whisking gently by
Your embracing arms and open smile.
Kneeling down upon the earth,
As I stood watching,
Far away and idly by.

I take your life and breathe unto mine,
The gentle and caressing strokes,
Like haystacks with needles to find
The perfect colors for your laughs and cries.

The jet black hair, kissing your lips,
A rain of leaves shower from up above.
The colors, they sing to you,
As I take to my canvas,
And the brushes fly.

You swim amongst the rocks,
Flowing like butterflies across the meadows.
You withdraw into the darkness,
A butterfly into the meadows.

Lost in your eyes, a deep dark red,
Against the magenta sky.
I hold my breath as time passes slowly,
The silence standing so closely...

As your reflection flickers by.

You close your crystal eyes,
Your arms fall to the side.
Falling into the realm of sleep,
A fly enclosed in an amber trap...

And your reflection passes by.

The river crystallized,
A breeze freezing the cold, cold air.
I sit by my canvas, tranquillized.
I sit by you, frozen in time.




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I like this, I think you have a talent for description, lovely imagery.

Though in this you seem to repeat a few words fairly often, not very noticable though, so that is actually okay. I
t is one repetition that I am thinking of: in the forth stanza you repeat meadows in two of the lines. As a last word, and a strong word, this stands out fairly clearly. I would suggest altering this a little.

Other then that this is a wonderful piece of writing. I cannot wait to read more of your work!


*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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I do enjoy this poem so very much! I've reread it several times, and I don't see anything wrong with it! I know I'm supposed to be helping, but there really isn't anything to help with with this poem >_>

Great job!

I can't wait to read more! <3
Emily



"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare