when i was four

When I was Four

When I was four
Everyday the same chore
Down the dark ally and through the back door
I walked my bare feet across the cold floor
I gave him the stuff and he begged for more

When I was four
I talked to the man and knew just what to ask for
The money was good to buy a place on the shore
And a little was used to buy Drain-O from the store
Mom locked it in her room in our apartment on the 3rd floor

When I was four
The man dressed in blue told me “no more”
He took mommy away but I didn’t know what for
I moved to a big house with a big family by the shore
Now all I worry about is my next T-ball score

This is decent...it manages to tell a story from a child's point of view without being completely obvious or annoyingly childish. Your main problem is just rhythm.

I'm not going to drag through the whole poem picking out every little rhythm flaw, because there are quite a few of them. But I can tell you how to get rid of them. The best way to make sure your phrases flow well is to read the poem aloud, or have someone else read it aloud.

Every time something sounds "off", or every time you find yourself putting stress on syllables that are normally unstressed, you've got a problem. Don't mess with your syntax just to get the meter right; rather, make the poem sound as natural as possible both in terms of speech patterns and meter.

Good luck!
-Colleen