Can a heart?

Can a heart, once loved, be found
bleeding silent, not a sound,
sadness evident, forever bound,
down upon the blackened ground?


Rip into it dears, I'm not even sure I like it ^.^

Wow, short and sweet ^-^

"Can a heart, once loved, be found
bleeding silent, not a sound,
sadness evident, forever bound,
down upon the blackened ground. "

I very much like the rhyming of it. And the flow is nice. I'm not an expert with poems so i can't really try and say anything negative...sorry this comment is no help at all. xD

Byes,

Sarah
x

PennyPenguin my little garden gnome;

I liked this, you have a nice concept to it but I don't take fair to the flow of it all, it's a little squew-iffy for my liking, get what I mean? I'm not sure how it is - I am absolutely no help ^^ - but when I read through it was like, oof, this is a little skippy in places and in some places it had too many syllables - I think - making the line either too long or short and therefore messing with the mind of the flow a little. Y'get me?

Also, I didn't much like the fact that every single line rhymed. This is totally personal preference - so ignore at will, for me being selfish XD - but I think that poems that are any shorte than five lines should not rhyme. I'm not sure why but I find that if there is a rhyming word on each line, it makes the poem seem thick and kind of a drag to read; also a little confusing in places.

Another personal preference here - you're thinking, here she goes again... - but I'm not a fan for the type of poem classed under depressing. If you don't mind me calling it that... But yeah, ignore me on this 'cause this is my personal likings and such.

Good foundations here for something great. ^^

Thankyou both oh-so-much for the commentations!

I completely understand LizzyG ^.^ I, myself, am not a fan of rhyming. this was - to being with- an attempt at a tercet,for one of the contests hehe, but - as you can see- that didn't work out. I also understand the issues with the words, and the flow, when I have time I may think on it more. Not just yet though hehe.

Sadly, tis the depressing things I am vaguely good at writing ^.^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.... hehe Garden gnome ^.^

Can a heart, once loved, be found
bleeding silent, not a sound,
sadness evident, forever bound,
down upon the blackened ground.

You know, I'm not entirely sure what I think of it, and because it's so short, I'm just going to analyze it line by line.

-Can a heart, once loved, be found

Really, the only thing I have to mention about this is, found where? You do answer it in the last line, but it is still a bit of a vague concept. How are they finding the heart, where, why, and how? I think to find might not be the right verb.

-bleeding silent, not a sound

two things with this one that bother me. Can anything bleed silently or with noise? People can, but only because people can make noise. But hearts aren't like that, so saying it is "silent" doesn't make much sense to me. The only thing I can conclude from this is that the person is silent, and aren't speaking about ... ? That, I'm not sure. But you can see where the problem is, it just doesn't make much sense. Then, the other issue, if it is silent, isn't is also without sound? AKA "not [making] a sound"? The second part of this line isn't needed, because it's just a repetition. if it added to the feel, the imagery, the meaning, etc then it would be fine, but it doesn't do much of anything.

-sadness evident, forever bound,

Sadness from what? You never really hit up on the why in this poem, and telling us why will make the poem stronger, better, full of emotion. What happened to the heart [the person] to make them so sad? Sad is a bland word, too, keep in mind that word choice is very important when writing a poem. There is a large difference between being sad, and being mournful, or being forlorn. Word choice is a big deal! To get a good grip on word choice, here is an article by Cade (Colly, Cadmium?) that should help you a lot: Right Word, Right Time. "Sadness evident" in it's entirety, is also kind of useless. It's stating the obvious about heart [person]. Whence, a poet who hardly comes around anymore, often times was horrible at poetry. But when he was good, and you could understand it, he was really good. Something I envy of him is his ability to write a poem, and never state the obvious, or explain, and you still understand it. Here, you do the same. Show everything, don't tell. saying the heart is sad... Try to make it apparent within the poem, again through word choice, etc. "Forever bound" I'm not sure what to say on that? I don't quite understand it, and end up thinking, "Bound to what?"

-down upon the blackened ground.

This is real straightforward, and "blackened" (though it does make me think of chicken, hehe) is a good way to describe the ground. It's unique, rather than cold ground, or dirty ground. and the D sounds at the end go together nicely.

Short poems are the hardest, because you only have so many words in which to get across your meaning, emotions, and in a good manner. Word choice becomes incredebly important, but so does your message. What do you want your reader to feel when they read this? Think about it for a while, and see what you come up with. You might find you need to make the poem longer to really get the message across, or you might notice that you need to rewrite it entirely to give it more space to grow. Try to use more poetic elements of imagery, and metaphors/similes to bring out the emotions.

I know I threw a whole lot at you all at one time, so if you feel I said too much or was too harsh you can ignore me. XD I felt like being real in depth. Then again, if you would like more explanation or help on how to rewrite the poem, feel free to contact me and I can help you out. Best of luck!

Quite a critique for such a short poem there, Suz.

She's probably covered most of what I would have, but I'll spit out a few things here...

I do like it, and I think you've done a good job with such a short poem. Some of the shortest pieces are often the most meaningful.

Meaning. I'm not entirely sure what you were trying to say; that having loved and lost means your heart ends up metaphorically "bound down upon the blackened ground"? Are you saying that all relationships that end badly can really hurt a person beyond the point of return--well, I guess that's what you're questioning, anyway.

Can a heart, once loved, be found

This line in particular made me think; in this line alone, you're implying that a heart that has been loved is in need to being found--as in, it was lost. "Once loved" would imply that it is not presently loved, but lost. Good job making me think, and I really like the way you were able to put so much into such a short phrase.

Logic. I think [s]Clau[/s] Suzanne, who changed her name mentioned this, but can something "bleed silently" as opposed to bleeding loudly? I'm guessing you were just looking for a pleasant two-syllable word. Look a little harder, I suppose.

Diction. Actually, I'm not even sure I like "bleeding" all that much. It's a word so overused in angsty emo poetry ("waah my heart is bleeding, wrist slash!") that I immediately dislike it. This isn't a bad emo angsty poem, but words like "bleeding" and "sadness" really set me off. "Sadness" is not that descriptive; it's a general emotion, a vague feeling.
Oh, hahaha, Suzanne mentioned my word choice article. Yummy.

Rhyme and Rhythm. Sweetness! You did a great job on this. It was enjoyable to read and no major rhythm problems tripped me up. The only complaint I have in this area is this:

forever bound

Forever bound to what? Perhaps to the person who once loved...but it doesn't make much sense, and I get the feeling it's only there to rhyme, which is upsetting.

Good job!
-Colleen

I liked it's simplicity. It's thought provoking for a moment, but then the reader can easily move on. If that was your intention, you succeeded, if not, I don't know what to say

Thanks a stack Suzanne, Cade and Ele ^.^ All of your comments are appreciated and well loved ehhe.

I especially appreciate both of the in-depth commentations. They are most appreciated, I will be looking into this poem further later on. My uni work is getting in the way of actually going through and editing all those works I want to >.< but as soon as I am free I shall come back to this and your suggestions shall be taken into account ^.^


Thankyou once again!


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I like it a lot, it is short but of course, that say nothing about the quality.

A lot of times, the feeling you get from the poem is most important, and as I was reading this, it really conjured up some fantastic images for me..... which are rather difficult to describe. Also I liked the rhyming and the structure.
Only one thing: As I was reading it I expected a question mark at the end, the whole thing felt like a really deep question. I'd like to know your choices with that.

Great job!

I like this. Yeah it's short, but some really deep emotion can come from just a single line. Very good.

I have nought but love for you both for the crits ^.^ You're all legends and I thank you muchly as every comment is appreciated and I love that you both liked the little poemette ^.^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.