Jahorie:the forrbiddin Goddess

Jahories heart raced as she ran throuhg the forest. She could hear the Legendary Grey Bear clashing through trees behind her. Jumping over a log she tryed to remember who she got into this mess. Oh yeah she thought, I thought its ass was a dow and shot at it! Idiot! She ran across a bridge leading to her home out of the forest. She stopped to look and she if she was still being followed by the bear, only to find that it was gone! In its place was...well...a dow! She instinctively drew her bow, lashed an arrow, muttered a small prayer and realsed the arrow. It soar through the air and struck the dow straight in the heart. She leaped up and shouted for joy. I guess this trip wasnt a waste of time, she muttered to herself as she grabbed the dow and walked down the road towards her home.

*************************************************

As she got closer to her house, she could now smell the many different herbs and things coming from her house. She was now at the front of her front gate to her land. She stopped for a moment to look around at the only home she had ever known. She could see her house right in front of her, add around it was a 2 meter deep small motte.


(will write more later)

Hello and welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. This is a really nice site and everyone is nice and helpful. I'm glad you joined. Anyways now to the critique... Everything that's put in bold are grammatical errors I changed:

Jahories heart raced as she ran through the forest.

She could hear the Legendary Grey Bear clashing through trees behind her.

Legendary Grey Bear is a bit of a mouthful. Maybe you might want to just put "grey bear" and then in the piece you can mention what makes it legendary.

Jumping over a log she tried to remember how she got into this mess.

Oh yeah, she thought, I thought it's ass was a doe and shot at it! Idiot! She ran across a bridge leading to her home out of the forest. She stopped to look and see if she was still being followed by the bear, only to find that it was gone! In its place was...well...a doe! She instinctively drew her bow, lashed an arrow, muttered a small prayer and released the arrow.

It soared through the air and struck the doe straight in the heart. She leaped up and shouted for joy.

I guess this trip wasnt a waste of time, she muttered to herself as she grabbed the dow and walked down the road towards her home.

People rarely talk to themselves and neither should your characters really. I think she should have thought this.

As she got closer to her house, she could now smell the many different herbs and things coming from her house. She was now at the front gate to her land. She stopped for a moment to look around at the only home she had ever known. She could see her house right in front of her, and around it was a two meter deep [/b]mote[b].

Small is not needed. Two meters is a broad enough description for the reader to get the jist of how the mote looks.

All and all your piece was rather good, however, it lacked a few elements. The beginning of your story immediately thrusted the reader right into action instead of easing them into it. Maybe you should start before she's chased by the Legendary Bear so the reader can better relate to the plot and the main character. Try to give your character emotions and put her more in the story. She kind of waned behind the action. Also, it would be nice if you added a bit more description and try to use the name Jahories in the piece. She is a bit overused.

Other than that your piece was enjoyble and I'd read more. PM me if you want me to rate any more of your pieces or have any questions about the site. I'd be happy to help you.

Polka's already caught all the grammatical stuff, so I'll start on spacing and all that shniz.

Firstly, this is a chunk of text. Space it up, it makes it look more lively. The parrot nailed to the cage and all that.

Secondly, you've got a misspelled word in your title, which never leaves a good impression upon potential readers. "Jahorie: The Forbidden Goddess".

Onto the title, I'd like to add that while it's an interesting title, it gives a bit much away about the story. We know smack-off that Jahorie's a goddess, and that spoils the natural curiousity that should build with a good story. I would suggest dropping the "Jahorie", leaving it at "The Forbidden Goddess", which adds an air of mystery. Anybody could be a potential god/dess. Sounds much cooler that way, no?

Onto the actual writing.

Firstly, this is much too short, and you're doing much more telling than showing. Show us the color splashed across the trees, the angry roars of the bear, and the sound of her feet pounding against the earth.

And I just noticed something else. Either put thoughts into italics ([ i] text here [/ i]) or use quotation marks. It allows us to skip to scenes easily. XD The usual dialogue spacing is thusly:

"*Random dialogue here*," *dialogue tag*

"*More random dialgoue!*" *another dialgoue tag*

And so-and-so leapt across the ravine to blah-blah-blah...

Yeah, you get what I mean.



Okay, back on track. You've also got to take into account reality, here. I'm sorry, but hitting a doe in the heart -- a moving target!! -- is just impossible. Not knowing deer anatomy, I can't say that truthfully, but unless she's a master bowman with a accuracy spell or something, it's just not happening. (:/ramble: ) Also, if a doe was behind her, if seeing her drawing an arrow, would head for the hills. Really, reality check here!

And how can one mistake a doe's butt for a bear's butt? Especially if it's a :*cough*: Legendary Grey Bear?

She leaped up and shouted for joy. I guess this trip wasn't a waste of time, she muttered to herself as she grabbed the doe and walked down the road towards her home.

If she was shouting for joy a second earlier, why is she muttering?

Also, if she can pick up a doe, she's a strong girl. You know, people's cars are smashed from collisions with the things.

As she got closer to her house, she could now smell the many different herbs and things coming from her house. She was now at the front of her front gate to her land. She stopped for a moment to look around at the only home she had ever known. She could see her house right in front of her, add around it was a 2 meter deep small motte.

Why do we need to know exactly how deep a moat is? "Herbs and things"? Care to be more specific? You need to know when to use details and when to leave them out. Generally, if you want to be uberly-specific and mathematic, forget it. It adds just so much feeling of unreality. I doubt any moat would be exactly 2 meters deep without her being anal-retentive about it and measuring it.

There's no general rule for detailing, but, depending on the type of story you want to write, you should adjust the details accordingly. I go by -- if it's an exact number over 10, fuh-get-about-it. Blend everything a bit. Instead of an exact number, try "about" before it.

LOL, I just got this image of, "Hey, guys, check out da 'moat. It's exactly 2 meters deep, yo."

XD

Yeah...this seemed a bit rant-y...

So... sorry. 0.o I tend to get a bit carried away when reviewing, so sorry if I seemed a bit sarcastic.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing!

~Sumi

Thank you for your advice, i will take that into note.