Acelyn

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Spirit Caller

Six-year-old Catalina, aboard the ship “Marchioness”, was watching the spectacle designed especially for her. Wide-eyed, two fingers picking at her lip, she laughed with glee as the multicolored sparks, in quick succession, took the shapes of bird, cat and wolf.

“Cat! Catalina!”

“That’s my sister, Ace,” she whispered confidentially, her eyes still on swirling around her animals. The source of all the entertainment, a short, plump woman with a few graying hairs, winked at her.

“Cat, where are you? Cat, come here this moment!” The voice was nearer now.

Catalina sighed, a disappointed look in her eye. “I think I should go, she’s going to be ma-

“Cat! What are you doing? How many times have I told you not to…” Ace’s voice trailed of as she saw the woman’s long, black robe. “… talk to strangers.”

“Melanie isn’t a stranger,” protested Cat, still picking at her lip. Hastily, she lowered her hand under her sister’s glare. “And she’s a sorceress, just as Ma was!” Ace flinched visibly and pulled Cat in her direction, arms protectively surrounding her little sister, ignoring the wave that made almost everyone topple over.

“It’s quite alright, dear,” said the old woman cheerfully. “Melanie Thianlyn, at your service!”

Ace opened her mouth, but no sound went out. She squeezed Cat until the latter let out a yelp. “Acelyn… Acelyn-”

“And Catalina Loeth!” Cat shouted out, oblivious to her sister’s warning looks.

“Oh, well, have to go…" Melanie's eyes lingered on Ace. "Nicely met, Acelyn and Catalina Loeth… Till we meet again!”

Acelyn watched, her eyes narrowed, as the old woman disappeared round the corner. She turned her attention towards her sister.

“What did you tell her? Cat, what did you tell her?” There was urgency in her voice, though she tried hard to tone it down.

“Nothing, I swear!”

“Cat!”

“Oh, just that we’re from Cathalin-”

“’We’re’? She asked about me?”

“No… Not really… I don’t know… Did you see those sparks? They were wonder-”

“What else did she as about? Did she talk about Ma?”

“No…”

“Cat, you’re lying. Look at me. Did she ask about anything else?”

“Nothing else, really! Really, really, really. Why do you never believe me? And why do you keep on giving me orders? Ma wouldn’t have let you-”

“But Ma is dead,” Ace broke in ruthlessly, her temper getting the better of her. As soon as she saw the tears in Cat’s eyes, though, she wished she hadn’t.

“Ace, I want Ma to come back… Ace, make her come back!” Catalina

“Shsh… everything will be alright, you here me? Everything will be alright.” Acelyn wiped a tear away from her sister’s cheek. “Listen to me now, you will stay clear away from that woman, do you understand me? Repeat that.”

“I will stay away from her… -But why? She was nice-”

“Those people who killed Ma were nice too, remember? We don’t want them to catch us, do we?” Catalina shook her head energetically. “That is why you will not talk to stranger, alright? Don’t talk about us to anyone, even if they show you those sparks. That is very important, nod that you understand, honey.”

Catalina nodded.




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I actually really enjoyed that- a surprise as I generally don't read Fantasy. I found it intriguing. Have you written more?

she laughed with glee as the multicolored sparks, in quick succession, took the shapes of bird, cat and wolf.


As you say 'shapes' bird, cat and wolf should all have an 's' on the end to make them plural. This also makes it read better.

"I think I should go, she's going to be ma-


You're missing your speech marks at the end.

Ace opened her mouth, but no sound went out.


'Came' instead of 'went'?

What else did she as about?


'Ask' instead of 'as'. Just a typo.

Overall I liked this and could see it going somewhere. I'd like to know more about the setting, the characters and where they're heading.

Keep it up!

Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Alainna, lol, thanks very much for the crit. For a very, very, very long time (since Februaru) no one critted it, and I kind of forgot about it. 'Spirit Caller', (that's what I think it was called) was a remake, and continuation of this.

However, I do usually go back to writig projects every few months or so, and I'll probably go back to this, too. ^_^ Corrections much appreciated!


Cheers,
Esme




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It was a rather interesting start but it didn't pull me in. I got confused rather alot and maybe should make who's who clearer I was like who was Acyln ya know. It was terribly confusing. A good way to start is sight, sounds, smell and touch. That way you're pulled in straight away I'm sorry this is harsh, but I got so confused in this story. Working on it you could make it better. The potential was there I won't lie, but it was trial to read.

Good luck VSN
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]




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Yes, I am aware that this is seriosly not the best piece of writing. I am, really. Lol, and this project has been long since abandones... But it's still good to recieve crits, yes?

Esme




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I see you've abandoned it but I got to say...spirit caller sounds pretty cool. And you've got really good names, keep them (that's what I did ;))



Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher