TIGWS: Rise of the Rebellion

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Sorry it took so long! It was written, I just didn't post it. Summer was busy!


Chapter 4

“Well, that went well,” muttered Kwest as he and Lira exited the Senate room.

“We knew that would happen,” Lira pointed out.

“Yeah.”

The two walked away from the Senate building in silence.

“So that’s what we came to see?” Kwest asked.

“Well, basically. And you know we also came to meet with ‘you know who’,” Lira answered.

“Oh, yes. Where are we meeting them?”

“I contacted each of them, and we are meeting in the lower city. I have the coordinates,” Lira informed him.

“Okay. Are we going there now?” Kwest inquired.

“Yes.”

~--~

Lira and Kwest took the HC speeder to the coordinates they had been provided with. The rendezvous point was close to the Great Galeon Fountain, but in a narrow alley way.

“So we are meeting the Senator from Solero?” Kwest asked in a low voice, as they jumped out of the speeder.

“Yup, and the prime minister of Prinyone and the congresswoman of Obok,” murmured Lira.

“Well, it’s just going to be another diplomatic meeting, then,” Kwest said dryly.

“Be patient. This is really important,” Lira assured Kwest. She glanced at him. He had a sour look on his face. Kwest hated anything to do with diplomacy.

The two approached the alley way. As they neared, Lira observed that all the representatives were present. She and her partner sneaked into the cover of the shadows.

“Hello,” Lira said, bowing.

“Oh, uh, hello,” Kwest managed, also bowing.

The group of politicians returned the bows.

Aside from Lira, there was only one woman. Kwest could see that there was one human man, along with a Solerian, present.

The young woman cleared her throat. “We have only spoken through the comm, but I am the representatives to Congress from Obok. My name is Shee Neseni.”

Congresswoman Neseni was strikingly beautiful. She was about seven years older than Kwest, but he could feel himself blushing. Neseni’s silky blonde hair was cropped just above her shoulders, and her dark black eyes made Kwest feel as if she was looking right through him. Kwest blinked twice, his mouth open. Neseni was wearing a quite attractive and form-fitting, brown knee length dress.

Lira saw Kwest, and gave him an authoritative look. Kwest shrugged and ran his hand through his short light-brown hair. Lira put her hands on her hips and, looking away from her partner, smiled.

“Hello, Congresswoman Neseni,” she greeted.

“And I am the prime minister of Prinyone, Zobert Ancha,” the tall, green-eyed man said, as he stepped out of the darkness. In his black slacks and dress shirt, Ancha looked like a compelling young man. He was about Lira’s age, a little older than twenty standard years.

Pretty young to be a prime minister of my home planet, Lira thought. But then again she’d known Zobert when she was mayor of Donifer, back on Prinyone.

“Nice to see you, Lira,” Ancha commented.

Lira nodded at him in return.

“And that leaves me, the senator of Solero. I am Com Morabblis. Pleased to meet all of you,” the older alien said, his big brown eyes scanning the group. Morabblis dominated the group of small humans. He leaned down to be on eye level with them, his scales bristling as he tucked his tail behind him. Morabblis retracted his claws to shake the hand of each of the humans.

Lira remembered how feared Solerians were throughout the galaxy because of the evil bounty hunters that originated from that planet. Most Solerians were generally kind creatures, although they had a nasty temper when provoked.

“Hello to you all. It’s great to meet everyone finally. I am Lira Thell-Ellis, co-founder and one of the presidents of Zatship Drive Yards,” she said, introducing herself.

Lira had pulled back her shoulder-length dark brown hair into a loose pony-tail. But the most stunning feature was her bright blue eyes that seemed to bore into everyone, studying them.

“And I am Kwest Omarrin,” he said. “I am the co-founder and the other president of Zatship Drive Yards.”

Lira sighed. He had copied exactly what she had said. She glanced back to the politicians.

“I have called you all together because we and our governments and corporations are some of the only ones that are still loyal to the Republics,” Lira started.

And the only ones that still have half a brain, thought Kwest.

“Yes. The situation is very sad,” Morabblis added. “If you saw the so-called debate in the Senate today, no one even spoke up when the Emperor allowed the use of force against the resistances.”

“The whole dome was shaking because there are so many who favor the Empire!” Kwest put in.

“Mostly because of the bribes,” Neseni reminded them.

There was a short silence, and then Zobert Ancha spoke up. “Well Miss Thell-Ellis, what do you have in mind to do against the Dark Empire?”

Lira took a breath. “Kwest and I created a clone army and are using our resources to create--”

“Are you trying to make us go to war?!” Ancha burst out.

It’s just as security,” Kwest calmly replied, “in case the Empire attacks. No need to panic, Prime Minister. We will try to do everything we can to keep war from happening.” He had been prepared for the outburst.

“Anyway, I would like to know what you know about the Dark Empire. What have they been doing on your planets?” Lira continued.

“It’s horrific, President Thell-Ellis!” Neseni answered. “They’ve completely taken over Obok already!”

“Congresswoman Neseni is correct,” Morabblis explained. “They are seizing governments, putting protestors in prison, and then taking the loyalists and prisoners to stations to work in droid factories and garrisons.”

“They are also taking citizens who are young enough to train as troops or officers in the Dark Imperial Army!” Ancha added.

“That’s terrible,” Lira breathed, a look of despair on her face.

“And those people are treated as slaves,” the Solerian said quietly.

“Actually they just announced it,” Neseni persisted. “The Dark Empire has made a proclamation saying that all citizens above the standard age of eighteen have to do thirty-five hours of community service to the Empire every three weeks.”

“And what is this ‘community service’?” asked Lira bitterly, crossing her arms.

“Well, the only thing the Imperials said was that the citizens were ‘helping them with building, shipping, et cetera’. They didn’t say anything else, but I’m sure they won’t,” Neseni explained.

“They won’t,” Ancha said. “For now they want to gain people’s trust.”

Ancha dug his hands into his pockets.

“Plus,” Kwest put in, “since they have droids, they won’t need that much help for long.”

“This is a terrible situation. The worst I’ve seen in all my years,” Morabblis proclaimed.

“I agree.” Lira glanced at Kwest and the rest of the Loyalists.

“We need to do something!” Kwest said angrily.
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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I like this chapter. Your descriptions of the new characters are very nice and you have some great dialogue. I think your description of scenery still needs a little work but generally, I enjoyed this chapter. A few suggestions -

Lira and Kwest took the HC speeder to the coordinates that had been[s]were[/s] provided[s] to them[/s]. The rendezvous point was close to the Great Galeon Fountain, but it was in a narrow alley way.

Kwest could see that there was one human man, along with a Solerian, who were present. [This needs re-phrasing. Perhaps 'Kwest noted that there were also a Solerian and a male human present.']

She was about [s]7[/s] seven years older than Kwest, but he could feel himself blushing.

Neseni’s silky blonde hair was cropped just above her shoulders, and her dark black eyes [s]made[/s] gave Kwest [s]have[/s] the feeling that [s]as if[/s] she was looking right through him.

He was about Lira’s age, a little older than [s]20[/s] twenty standard years.

Most Solerians [s]are[/s] were generally kind creatures, although they [s]have[/s] had a nasty temper when provoked.

He had known that this outburst had been coming. [Perhaps 'He had expected the outburst' or 'He had been prepared for the outburst.']

____________________
Hope some of this helps and keep up the good work!
Writing Gooder

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Gracias, Kitty! I shall fix it..but first I think that I'll wait for other to comment too.

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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*sigh* I'm finally here to crit. Sorry, but i had soooo much work to do. But now I can sit and do something enjoyable for a change. *begins to read*

“Well that went well,” muttered Kwest as he and Lira exited the Senate room.


A comma after 'well'. ^^

“Well, basically. And you know we also came to meet with ‘you know who’,” Lira answered.


Why don't you put that in italics instead, since she's putting more emphasis on these words.

“Okay. Are we going there now?” Kwest inquired.


'Continued' may work better, or just 'said'.

“Be patient. This is really important,” Lira assured Kwest. She glanced at him. Kwest hated anything to do with diplomacy. He had a sour look on his face.


The last sentence would probably work better in between the previous two. Or join the third sentence with the first sentence like this: "...Lira added as she noticed Kwest's sour look. Kwest hated anything to do with politics."

Lira remembered how feared Solerians were throughout the galaxy, because of the evil bounty hunters that originated from that planet.


No comma before 'because'.

But most the most stunning feature was her bright blue eyes that seemed to bore into everyone, studying them


Oops. :oops: :wink:

“Yes. The situation is very said


Gah! Dang typos! >_< :wink:

“The whole dome was shaking because there are so many who favor the Empire!” Kwest put in


I don't think the exclamation point is necessary unless he 'snapped' at them.

Lira took a breath. “Kwest and I created a clone army and are using our resources to create-”


Double dash works best: ...to create--" It's more noticable. ^^

“It’s just as security, in case the Empire attacks. No need to panic, Prime Minister. We will try to do everything we can to keep war from happening,” Kwest calmly replied.


I didn't know Kwest was talking until I read the tag. Could we place the tag after the first sentence he says? Or like this: "It's just as security," Kwest calmly replied, [notice comma instead of period] "in case the Empire attacks. No need to panic, Prime Minister," he soothed. [period because Kwest begins a new sentence] "We will try to do everything we can to keep war from happening." Just a suggestion. ^^

“And what is this ‘community service’?” asked Lira, crossing her arms.


Maybe she asked bitterly? Or disapprovingly?

...helping them with building, shipping, etcetera’.


"Et cetera" is two words.

“They won’t,” Ancha said. “For now they want to gain people’s trust.”

He dug his hands into his pockets


Who? you started a new paragraph, so I didn't know who dug his hands in his pockets. And why did he? Was he nervous? Embarrassed?

“Plus,” Kwest put in. “Since they have droids, they won’t need that much help for long.”


I may be wrong, but this is how I see it: with tags in the middle of quotes like here, use commas if the tag interrupts the sentence, like it is now, and lower case the first letter of the continued sentence, like here. So it would look like this (according to me):

"Plus," Kwest put in, "since they have droids, they won't need that much help for long."

Use periods if the character, or Kwest here, start a new sentence, as you have typed it in your story. However, it's not two sentences. The whole quote is one sentence with a tag in the middle, so use a comma rather than a period, and lower case 'since' rather than capitalize. ^^ That's a bit confusing, so any questions, PM me. :D

Overall, you definitely improved in your description/writing. I'm proud! ^^ Kitty has pointed out great points (as usual) so listen to her as well. She's really good with her English anyway. She's a huge help, so use it to your advantage. XP

Anyway, I have one concern. Your characterization. The three new people you introduced (the congresswoman, prime minister, and the alien dude) aren't really characters. They just seem to be there to fill in information for the reader.

Take Neseni for example. You show (very well, I might add) that she's very beautiful and I, as the reader, would think she had a soft voice with maybe some wise words (not for sure, since I'm not the author). Later, she ends up exclaiming her quotes. Is she a cool, collective character that never raises her voice? Is the alien aggressive and always loud to get his point across? Maybe the Prime Minister likes Lera? I don't know, but they were not realistic. You can definitely work on that. I'm getting to know Lera and Kwest much better now, bravo! ^^

I got nothing else to say, except good job. I look forward to more. Any questions or comments, PM me or I can be found in the Chatroom. ^^

Keep writing!

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PsychicNinja wrote:Lira and Kwest took the HC speeder to the coordinates that were provided to them.

This might sound better as "to the coordinates they had been provided with".

PsychicNinja wrote:The rendezvous point was close to the Great Galeon Fountain, but it was in a narrow alley way.

I'd say you can get rid of that "it was". It sounds better and is still correct grammar.

PsychicNinja wrote:“Yup, and the prime minister of Prinyone and the congresswoman of Obok,” uttered Lira.

Not sure if "uttered" is really appropriate here. Or did you mean to type "muttered"?

PsychicNinja wrote:She and her partner snuck into the cover of the shadows.

I'm pretty sure I've heard from somewhere that "snuck" is a colloquial term. You probably want to use "sneaked" instead.

PsychicNinja wrote:Aside from Lira, there was only one woman. Kwest could see that there was one human man, along with a Solerian, who were present.

The "who were" isn't necessary. Sounds better without.

PsychicNinja wrote:“We have only spoken through the comm, but I am the representatives to Congress from Obok. My name is Shee Neseni."

You need to add that last " lol.

PsychicNinja wrote:... and her dark black eyes made Kwest have the feeling as if she was looking right through him.

Aiyah, that sentence is much longer than it needs to be. Just say "made Kwest feel as if" etc.

PsychicNinja wrote:Kwest blinked twice; his mouth open.

Should be a comma.

PsychicNinja wrote:He leaned down to be on eye level with them, his scales bristled as he tucked his tail behind him.

"leaned down to be on eye level with them" is kind of too long, shorten it somehow? And I think "bristled" should be "bristling".

PsychicNinja wrote:Most Solerians are generally kind creatures, although they have a nasty temper when provoked.

Again, a bit encyclopedia-like, and not entirely relevant to the current situation.

PsychicNinja wrote:But most the most stunning feature...

Typo, I presume?

PsychicNinja wrote:“Plus,” Kwest put in.Since they have droids, they won’t need that much help for long.”

Kwest is really just saying one sentence. Make the fullstop a comma and the S lowercase.

This is getting pretty interesting! Is Chapter 5 up yet? If not, I'll go look at the ninja-Z side of the story tomorrow. XD

- Mattstor!!
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A question: What does Twigs stand for? Is it the series name you based it on?
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This is starting to get really great! I think this was my most favorite chapter by far; sorry it took me so long to critique it!

So, I really like how your characters and dialogue are flowing. I agree with Kitty, your setting descriptions do need a little work in places, but overall I think you've got something really good here. Still seeing the Star Warsy parallels, but whatever. I'm loving it. :)

And honestly, I can't find anything wrong on the technical end of things that wasn't already corrected. Yay you!

And so, again, great job. PM me when you put the next chapter up!

Peace, love, chocolate.

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Hey-just wanna thank everyone for their help! I really use most of your suggestions!

I haven't posted a part in a while, but it's written and I just need to look over it!

Thanks for everything!

~Timea :D
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman



Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?
— Mary Oliver