Grandad's Bench

Hmm.. I'm not too sure about this one myself. But I thought I may as well give it a go. Go easy on me people ^^

Lizzy

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Rusted old frame,
Standing strong and defiant,
Against the elements,
Wind, rain or snow,
Nothing would ever pull it down.

Sitting in the sunshine,
Beside the paint flaked greenhouse,
A smile on his face,
Cigarette in hand,
Not a care in the world.

That's my Grandad,
With the tattooed arms,
And the smoke filled lungs,
Soaking up the sun,
On his special bench.

Now here I sit,
Picking at the new paint,
To get to the old,
Small legs dangling,
As they bustle past.

People talk,
Words with no meaning,
I just sit here,
Wondering if the sun,
Will spill from the clouds soon.

I keep waiting,
On that trusty frame,
Knowing it will hold strong,
As we wait together,
In the dull afternoon.

It's a sweet poem (sweet as in, awww), but you need to talk less about what the bench looks like and more about what it means to the speaker of this poem. The first stanza is pretty much useless, as is the fifth, though I like the line about the sun spilling from the clouds.
I'd like to hear more about the grandfather. Did he build the bench? What did it look like when it was new? What exactly does the bench symbolize to the speaker about his or her relationship with Grandpa? Obviously, you shouldn't come right out and say it (i.e. "This bench means _____") because so many people make that mistake and it's sad. But has something happened to the speaker that made him/her want to say this? Has the relationship with the grandfather changed over the years, and how does the bench fit in to all that?

Keep at it!
-Colleen

EDIT: And ditch the italics.

I like the italics...

I also liek the bit about peeling off the new paint to get to the old paint
K, my reveiw was simple

I liked it. It's not amazing, but it had a...unique personality to it, if you know what I mean.

First off, does the bench have any symbolism? Does it connect the girl to her grandfather? If not, then you should just toss the descriptions of the bench away. Instead add more to the grandfather. This adds characterization, not only setting descriptions. (OH! Just noticed cadmium said the same thing :/ )

Second, what do the italics mean? If it's the grandfather speaking you should make it more distinguished, a different voice and dialect, not only italics.

Third, where are you? Is it important to the story?

And fourth, what does this poem mean to you? Because this is such a unique poem, and with all its potential, I want it to be even better. Because at the moment I couldn't find any real significance! I mean, so what--you sit with your grandfather, and that's it? More emotion! A glance, something that will show us your character, not only the grandfather's.

I like this one too. I love how the Grandpa isn't all... Grandpa-y. He's not going to sit in a rocking chair. He might take you to a rock concert though... Cool.

I liked the idea of having two speakers in the poem and the italics actually helped to separate the grandchild and grandfather.

But you didn't really put anything in to suggest why his bench was special. Has it always been there, from his childhood and he doesn't want that part of his life forgotten? Did he serve in a war and if so is it a war memorial? Somethings to think about that may not apply to him.

I think you could have given the grandfather a voice, his part sounded just a little too similar to the grandchild's. Give him an accent or a elderly-person-speaking tone you can associate with old people.

Other than that it was a pleasure to read.

Well, I don't know about italics. The whole thing flowed smoothly, with no questions coming to mind. Good job, Lizzy.

I like it, and keep the itallics. I like the contrast between new and old paint.

I liked it, and the italics.

The idea of the bench is so... oh, I don't know how to explain it. I guess the best word would be original.

The bench is a symbol of love, right? Like, the Grandpa loved it, and then went away but there was still the Grandaughter to love it, and it kept the two connected? That was my interpritation.

That was VERY GOOD in my opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed that. But i think you should keep going and write more and more and soon you will become Better and Better.
Good Luck!