Baby We Know That'll Never Be

NOTE: the words in [] are screaming


I loved you for a second,but after that second my heart stopped
And would no longer beat
My lungs gasped for air, but you were never there for me
Your ivory skin shone in the moon light
It's too bad you're no angel, Devil fall over me

Push me away
I'm not coming back today
Not until another year
You said you'd stop the beatings, but no bruises fade away
I don't know who I belong to
This 'battle' must be won
Without my life controlled...
I don't know where I'd be
I'm a heroine but I have no hero
Let the rain wash my tears away

Second chances are never any use
You sleep right beside me
That's only when peace lies
(And fallen angels can be heard from beneath)
Your soft breathing is sweeter than a babies breath
And I hear you hushed voice /whispering in your sleep
So every night I lie awake
(Just to see your sweet side)
And the only reason I'm no ghost in your life

Push me away
I'm not coming back today
Not until another year
You said you'd stop the beatings, but no bruises fade away
I don't know who I belong to
This 'battle' must be won
Without my life controlled...
I don't know where I'd be
I'm a heroine but I have no hero
Let the rain wash my tears away

[The blood in front of me]
[The black and blue blend the colors of my skin]
[and those colors wash away in my screams]
Push me away
I'm not coming back today
Not until another year
You said you'd stop the beatings, but no bruises fade away
I don't know who I belong to
This 'battle' must be won
Without my life controlled...
I don't know where I'd be
I'm a heroine but I have no hero
Let the rain wash my tears away


Hush-down
Hush-down
You need to keep sober
Clam down form this life
You say you're a monster
When the alcohol doesn't peak
You said you'd take control, but baby that'll never be
I know you'll be a gent, without a lady in your life
So goodbye, I forgive
And don't you chase after me

Very dramatic.

It's good, but a few spelling mistakes and such.

Your ivory skin shined in the moon light

Shined = shone

I'm a herione but I have no hero

Herione = heroine (I think)

(And fallen angels can be heard rom beneath)

rom = from?

And I hear you hushed voice /whispering in your sleep

Nix the slash.

Clam down form this life

Hh??

When the alchohal doesn't peak

Alchohal = alcohol


--

Fix those, and you've got yourself a song.

I liked how this song stayed consistent in theme and focus until the end. On second thought, I didn't like the references to alcohol at the end; something major like that should at least be introduced earlier in the song. The only other thing I would change in the song is the line "I'm a heroine but I have no hero." It's kinda random...I would just delete it, because there are no other heroic references in the poem.

Merry Writing!

Ok I actually like this a bit. I agree that something major like the alchohol should be closer to the begining. Maybe if you were trying to avoid it and then stick it out at the end for suprise? But I don't think it works here. It was ok in the whole of it all.

Could it be improved? Yes. Very much, but it's still think it was nice.

Good Luck!

Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay