keep me safe.

When the tears fill my eyes
And a sharp pain picks my throat
'Cos I dont want him to see my fear

Could i lean on your shoulder,
As my heart gets colder?

Would you tell me its all okay
And let me sob into your shirt
The way i used to?

Would you hold me in your arms,
In your sweetness, miles from harm?

When i tell you how the world has,
Fallen by my cold feet, and how my life
Is ruined, and how i feel,

Would you still hold your head high?
Tell me you love me and dont lie.

*first draft*

Yay for line by lines!

When the tears fill my eyes
And a sharp pain picks my throat
'Cos I dont want him to see my fear (you refer to a "him" here, and a "you" everywhere else. And it don't like the "'Cos," but maybe that's just me.)

Could i lean on your shoulder,
As my heart gets colder? (this rhyme sounds forced)

Would you tell me its all okay
And let me sob into your shirt
The way i used to? (all in all, I don't like this stanza. "Shirt" is a sharp-sounding word for the poem in general, and the "tell me its all okay" sounds cliche.)

Would you hold me in your arms,
In your sweetness, miles from harm? (once again, this line sounds forced)

When i tell you how the world has, (why is there a comma there?)
Fallen by my cold feet, and how my life
Is ruined, and how i feel,

Would you still hold your head high?
Tell me you love me and dont lie. (I guess I really am not a fan of these two liners. This, once again, sounds forced)


First: remember to capitalize your "I"s and put an apostrophe in your "don't"s and such. I think this poem has potential, it's just a tad to ambiguous for my liking, and there are the little nit-picky things I pointed out earlier.

Merry writing!

Like elephantwalrus said, capitalize the I's. It makes it look kind of odd when everything else is gramatically correct and one letter is never capitalized. If you aren't going to capitalize, pull an e.e.cummings and don't capitalize anything (he didn't punctuate either).

Also, maybe elaborate on what's causing you the pain, like what has "ruined your life." That will bring more depth to the poem. Overall, pretty good, but sounded to me a little like a standard emo poem. Keep writing!

~Lini

Technically, Lini, he did use some punctuation, but still, your point is well made.

And, this was not a bad first draft. It was a little bit angsty and teary, but I don't mind that so much as grammatical issues... agreeing with the others: capitalize and put apostrophes!

Also agreeing with Lini; you should put a little more depth to this. As it is, one can read this and see it, but not feel it - it would be great if you could make us love this poem and understand it as well as if it had happened to us.

Good luck!

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

When i tell you how the world has,
Fallen by my cold feet, and how my life
Is ruined, and how i feel,

I didn't like this part very much. I felt like it was too chopped up to work with the rest of the poem. I didn't think the imagery was very strong here. I couldn't really see much. It was like a blurry photo.

Still, it is only a first draft right? I'm sure you can improve a lot on this and I'll be looking forward to see it once it's been done over.

Good Luck!

Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Don't forget to capitalize the pronoun I.



The only thing this poem makes me think is: why is she afraid? If you could explain to us, or better yet, show us why she is afraid, what she is afraid of, how it makes her feel, etc, I could feel more with the poem and for the speaker. Otherwise, it's kid of just a poem that goes no where and makes me feel nothing. It's certainly a good place to start at, but try to rewrite it with that in mind. ^_~

Here's an article that might help you: Emotional Poetry.