courage?

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You smile in hope
to make a conversation
and I stride on,
but deep inside I want you,
somehow,somewhere, and maybe,
if you want me too just take me!

please leave comments as i wrote this in like ten minutes and wold like some tips. :D
Last edited by nothingface on Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The Best
And Most Beutiful Things,
Cannot Be Seen Or Even Touched.
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Well, add capitals where caps are due for a start. Always capitalize "I".

As to the subject... It was rather bland. I can't quite say how this can be improved - you need some one better than I - but start with grammer for a start. Put a space after commas and full stops, and capitalize "I".
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Short and sweet! I like. Since it is so short, you should make an effort to make everything as tight as possible. For example, properly space the fifth line and maybe add a comma after "somewhere". A comma might also be helpful in the last line after the first "me" to clarify flow/meaning. "I" should be capitalized unless you know what you're doing/why you're doing it, and every word should count.

Since it's so short, make every word wrench the gut of whoever reads this so that they know what was going on inside the narrator's head as this scene happened; make them want to jump into the picture, it'll be so lifelike. [quick note on your endnote: it should be assumed that we will leave comments, as this is a writing site. Also, I'm sure you meant the best, but this line also gives off the feeling that you didn't think about your poem as much as you could have before posting it. As such, lines like these are unnecessary when posting]

A lovely idea you have here. PM me if you have any questions,
-Amelia




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I think this is a sometimes over-used topic, so I would suggest maybe elaborating a bit. Make it different in some way, whether it be rhyme, impressive diction, metaphors, just something that will stick with the reader.

It's well applicable to this generation, so good job!
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.




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I agree with the whole capitalisation thing with the I's as it gets annoying when you see people type like this. It makes your work seem more professional when you type them in upper case and also makes it a little easier to read I think.

I like the shortness of it and think that your imagery and emotion put through the poem is beautiful. The fourth line added a lot of lust and passion into the piece, just by those small words and that's always good too, it tends to hook people in.
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