too long

Too long

Too long have we been controlled
by the eyes in the sky
too long have we been just pawns
to their purple mind
too long have we fought and died
just to gain a coin

So I say on
these blood drenched fields
listen very well
lets not repeat the past again
lets not give in to greed
lets not be zombies
yet again, lusting after
one blood drenched coin

This idea is good, but theres some improvements that need to be made.I'll start at the top. First, the "to" you want to use is "too", signifying overdone, or also. Secondly, I think this could flow a little more evenly by commas and periods, and a change of words. Some others are better with correcting flowing problems than me, I know more just about general rules. Unfortunatly....

Okay, now in line one, I think you should make it longer and make it "Too long have we been controlled by the eyes in the sky" one whole line, and combine some more lines in other plaes so it just flows better. And also, I can't quite understand what these "eyes in the sky" signify too clearly, relating with the rest of the poem.Now, down to the fourth line "to there purple mind" It should be to their purple mind. But the purple thing was quite random, so I was like "What?", and for the rest of the poem the reader is kind of baffled on that and not concentrating as much on the whole poem.

I like the end then, its very powerful, but usually the commas are always signifying the end of the line.

Lastly, Its a good idea to always have the first letter of every new line capitalized.

-Dreami!

Good luck with this poem, I love the idea.

Shouldn't it be too long?
I mean I know I'm not the grammar master but still....

apart from the spelling (their, not 'there', 'too' not to) i really liked it. i thought it was pretty powerful for a short poem and also thought provoking.

cool.

i..............................................have..............................bad.................grammer

Hey, you spelled "grammar" incorrectly there in your last post, Magus.
/

yeah i know, i did it that way on purpose

That's cute ... just kiddin' ...

I really like this poem, very powerful for something so short. I like 'purple mind' that was good. Like all your poems this was very good!

Nice poem! Just a few things I think could be improved..

Too long (Capital L?)

Too long have we been controlled
by the eyes in the sky (This line seems to be missing a syllable. Maybe "eyes up in the sky", or an adjective before eyes?)
too long have we been just pawns
to their purple mind (Once again, seems to be missing a syllable or two. Another adjective?)
too long have we fought and died ("we have" instead on "have we"?)
just to gain a coin (Period?)

So I say on (Move on to the next line?)
these blood drenched fields
listen very well
lets not repeat the past again (You probably don't need "again", since it's already implied with "repeat".
lets not give in to greed
lets not be zombies (This line didn't do anything for me...get rid of it?)
yet again, lusting after
one blood drenched coin (A different adjective? You already used this one.)

Also, I think you should use either capitals or lowercase letters to start the lines, rather than a combination of both.

Just to give you an idea, this is what it would look like:

Too Long

Too long have we been controlled
By the eyes up in the sky
Too long have we been just pawns
To their twisted, purple minds
Too long we have fought and died
Just to gain a coin.

So I say,
On these blood drenched fields
Listen very well
Let's not repeat the past again
Let's not give in to greed
Yet again, lusting after
One ill-gotten coin.

Ok, we all like this poem right? Good, so all it needs now is better grammar. My story does, lots of stories do! So do lots of poems!