Her

I walk along trying to see,
The girl that has smitten me,
She walks in delicate grace.
The light glowing from her face,
If only I could get the chance,
To have just one dance,
I guess I should face reality,
She would never want a man like me.

This is an okay poem. I liked how you rhymed it and produced interesting concepts, but much of the poem was bland and unprecise. It is short, and therefore is hard to critique on, but I will give it a try!

I walk along trying to see,
The girl that has smitten me .
She walks in delicate grace ,
The light glowing from her face (is what? This is a fragment! It's like saying "I drink the water, the air climbing from the chimney." My suggestion is to completely delete this line and another rhyming line.)
If only I could get the chance,
To have just one more dance!
I guess I should face reality,
She would never want a man like me. This is really cliche. Maybe if you put it in another way--and add a metaphore or a similie, they really help when you're writing poetry--then it will work.

Overall, I did not like it. It is okay, but has enough potential to be excellent. My main suggestions?
READ GOOD POEMS! Then you will see all those poetic devices that can make your writing SO much better--alliteration, symbolism, parallelism, metaphore, similie, there's just so much!

I respect your opion but if you don't like it don't read it. I don't write to impress

It's a moderately good poem, though not one that keeps my interest for long. Maybe you should describe the girl more(like what makes her so attractive to you), and not just say general things like "She walks in delicate grace ,The light glowing from her face" that could apply to many different girls. My advice to you-keep writing. The more you write, the better you get. That's true for everyone.

Hi Lordzim. Conundrum: how can we like it if we haven't read it? And posting on a public forum that is for critiquing is certainly writing to impress. Why else post it?

As for the poem, it relies on heavily forced rhyme. Not everything has to have masculine and feminine rhyme; you could experiment with slant rhyme or half rhymes. And rhyme doesn't always have to happen at the ends of lines.

Also, experiment with imagery. There is virtually none here, so we can't really relate to the poem. Images are really the best way to relay such feelings.

I second that you read more poetry. It will certainly help improve your skill with words.

I agree. Only wanting people who will give you a rave review to read your work is childish. The only way people will read your work is if they like it, and the only realistic way to get to a level where you create likable, meaningful poetry is through peer review. If for some reason you don't want to write poetry that people like, why are you writing poetry? I know that the poetry forums might be a little more critical than the fiction ones, but don't let that be a deterrent. Accepting the bad with the good is part of life, and now I will give you some good to go along with the bad. I specialize in rhythm.

I walk along (and try) to see
The (beauty) that has smitten me
She walks (along with) delicate grace
(With sunlight) glowing from her face
If only I could get a chance
(To get one kiss) or have one dance!
I (better) face reality
(She'd) never want a guy like me

I can tell from your stories that you are a talented writer, and I'm sure you will make just as good of a poet! If you develop a reputation writing prose (like my dad) you will need to learn to work with an editor, and if you become offended when he pulls out the red pen, you're going to have a hard time getting anything published. To quote a million awkward reviewers, "Keep up the good work!"

I liked this actually... Fabulous.

I liked it a lot actually. Different and good.

Super <3

This is kind of lame... Doesn't have any lasting quality, no particular rhythm (Rigel's version is excellent, though, rhythm-wise; it really adds a lot and it's a great read), and a lot of the words you use are ones that have been used before.

Perhaps lengthening it would help; give a little detail about this guy, this girl. Maybe tell us why it won't work between them, give us some details on what they're like. For instance, is he a geek, she a cheerleader? Is she on the interpretive dance team at their school? Is he a chess club reject? You posted it in the Narrative Poetry section - tell a story! That's why it's in here. You can't cheat people who were kind enough to click the link.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin