Stay away from me

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I don't understand what you mean when you said
(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)
it just doesn't make sense to me.
Good poem though!
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.




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Okay, you had some good images in the poem, but there needs to be more. I don't know why the character in this poem is doing what they do. It feels kind of empty. Don't give a whole history, but tell the reader why. What happened that made the situation change? What about the kiss brought them back?

Besides that, very nice job.
"I wonder if Ryan realizes that he's really twelve and a passenger on the Titanic." ~ A loving friend




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I am very confused?

It starts out like a rape scene and then ends up being a silly scarcrow helium balloon?????

I really don't know what you mean. :smt108




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(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)


A lovely line in itself, but it doesn't seem consistent with the wording of "we once hovered above this bed" [eh, on second thought, maybe it does; something to think about if you haven't done so already, at any rate.] It's different, but that's what makes it just as interesting. Not a word wasted, of course. I like the idea/image/what-have-you of the balloons. [between the rye, the scarecrow, and the balloons, it made me think of The Wizard of Oz.]




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(The great Brad does it again.) I think a lot of our less talented poets (well, that's about 99.9999% of YWS) could learn a lot from what you've done here.

For example, the scarecrow's laugh line is excellent. Not only is it a great simile, it shows the ability of a poet to draw on the connotations of words to create a neat image. It made me think.

I unwrap myself from rented sheets,
feel the heat from his breath like a slow-rolling fog.
Beside me in bed, his arm crosses
the arch of his nose, and I think:

Rye. His skin is the color of rye.
This, the opening, was probably the weakest part. Comparing "his breath" to "slow-rolling fog" doesn't do much for me. I feel as though I've read it before.
I also think that the interjection about his skin being the color of rye is unnecessary. It's a decent image, but I find it irrelevant and awkward compared to the rest of the poem. Admittedly it's better than, "His eyes are like clear pools..." *gags* but I think the poem would be more helped than hurt if it went bye-bye.

A kiss like a paper cut
brought us back
This, too, made me feel like I had read it somewhere else. It's one of those things you sort of subconsciously skip over or disregard on the first read-through and shrug off upon going back.

On a formatting/punctuation note, I wondered why the speaker's first one-line thought ("Rye. His skin is the color of rye.") was italicized and had a period at the end, while the second thought ("(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)") was put into parentheses and did not have a period, or anything else for that matter, at the end.

-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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I lean out the window and watch
the little red dots falter, ache in the morning sun,
and disappear.


I liked that bit, but the rest just confused me.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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I liked it but it is a bit confusing.
And I don't really get how his arm could cross the arch of his nose... *trys it* I guess you could, but it is very awkward and makes your nose hurt...

And the title, "Stay away from me" It doesnt really fit in with the poem.
It is a good poem though, and I love the line about the scarecrow's luagh. :wink:
One day I'll rule Candyland with an iron fist




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feel the heat from his breath[s] like[/s] , a slow-rolling fog.
Beside me in bed, his arm crosses
the arch of his nose, and I think:

[s]Rye[/s]. His skin is the color of rye.

Once we hovered above this bed.
A kiss like a paper cut

Judging by your style of writing, any deadwood, cliches and wordy similes should be cut. You've always been down to the point. I'd hate to be a hypocrite, but it's a bit superfluous. Also, I think "a kiss like a paper cut" was in the lyrics of a Hawthorne Heights song, but I could be wrong.

(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)

A long, simple metaphor. I get it, but I think saying "His weight is / matched a scarecrow's laugh" would generally be less choppy.

The last lines of your poems are always amazing - do you start there and work backward?
Carpe Diem.



So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl