david

making rounds on the dark stormy nights
tending the sick, the screaming, the
dead living he couldn’t help but fall
fast and hard and deep in love
with the blue-eyed girl who danced
in her cell and sang oldies songs
blonde hair riding around her
beautiful, beautiful emaciated
torso cherry red lips moist freckles
on her nose and everything
just
perfect
one morning he entered her room
he touched her breast he told her
he loved her she smiled and
nodded, mouth open teeth
glinting he kissed her once, again,
the third time, she grew wise
and undid her gown
she had the softest skin, the finest
complexion, nothing could compare
after caressing her face and body,
he lifted her from her bed
and drove to a hotel where
they fucked for three days
she didn’t speak, just smiled
and nodded yes, okay
he could put it in there
so long as it felt good
they were in love
two souls connected
she didn’t mind

then the police came
and her parents cried
he had to go
fifteen years in jail
the shame of it all, the pain, the
suffering oh she was just a little
girl you monster you’ll burn
in hell you sick, horrible
monster
crying in his cell alone and his
heart broken, his girlfriend
screaming and cutting and
bleeding and everything
just
wrong
they loved each other she was
thirteen but they loved each
other didn’t they

didn’t they

mhmm. wow. again, controversal, but good. you seem to have a style of jamming different sentances in, and yes, again, this poem scared me. (i'm not exactly sure if the speaker in the poem has sorted out love and lust completely.) but the images were beautiful and it told a very sad, passion-filled story.

i liked it when you said the following:

just
perfect

just
wrong

it was a nice break from the constant run of emotion and words. the ending, also, was rather perfect. =]

!Wow! that was...really really good. i liked it to because of all of the images that you have put into your writing! you have a very distinct style, which is always refreshing to see in a writer! congratulations!

I liked it too, very raw and very good. I agree with Xantham Gum about "just perfect" and "just wrong", the way they contrast with each other and break up the flow. It was also really effective how you repeated the last line.

making rounds on the dark stormy nights
tending the sick, the screaming, the
dead living he couldn’t help but fall
fast and hard and deep in love

I loved those first lines and also

the third time, she grew wise .

Arresting and different and great.

Ohmygod. This just was really excellent poetry... I wasn't expecting that. I think it made the plot... less mushy, and more fitting to the type of style you chose to write in.

the shame of it all, the pain, the
suffering oh she was just a little
girl you monster you’ll burn
in hell you sick, horrible
monster

I really liked this line, beacuse it seemed like you were switching views, and... It made the emotion more real.

twistedly wicked.

I like controversial poems and stories 'cause they tend to be really hard hitting anf make the reader think deeply about what they're reading instead of just reading it and thinking, that was good; let's move onto another story.

The imagery was like whoa. In some places I though, my gosh, where is he getting this all from! But in a good way. The imagery made the piece a more fullfilling and shocking piece.

Altogether, wonderful.