Unfulfilled

Crit is welcome, but please also crit my other work it has no replies... topic20240.html

Unfulfilled

Why is it that when we know the name of love,
we conceal it; deceive our company, as if
devoid of?

When you went onward and looked upon her
with a pink eye that had longed to meet hers;
a searing sun.

But my human eyes could never meet those of stars.

Why is it that we allow our hearts to bleed,
never to heal, when healing only wants spoken words?
“I love you.” planned he

But these are plans we never see fulfilled,
Unfulfilled until we see the beau warmed by another.
So cold, our heart’s killed.

And you learn that, you have just witnessed a Goddess depart.

Why is it that we live our lives with a live mirror,
Someone who is not ourselves, a scapegrace of happiness,
yet the you that is you will always know one thing.

Why is it that we let ourselves leave physical anatomy
We leave our bodies cold, forever in darkness
Never to have been touched by the light, the love.


Why is it that I find myself in the arctic,
my secret unable to rise through the icy floors
that separate the biting seas from the sun and haze,

You from me.

I die

I understood

I was unfulfilled


EDIT: Editted version in post below this

Hmm. I am undecided.

S1 seems to start out pretty well--but "devoid of?" is missing something. Devoid of what? If you mean to connect it to the previous idea, it probably should be "devoided" or some kind of participial/gerund phrase/word. [My grammer is rather...blah].

S2 also seems pretty good, but I have an issue with the double usage--"her" and then "hers". You only need one or the other, and I would get rid of the second. It only clogs up th stanza.

"But mine human eyes"--should be "but my human eyes"? Are you trying to go with Olde English? because I still don't think it would work.

There should be a question mark at the end of the second line of S4, since you began it was "why". Also--"planned he" makes no sense. Just delete those two words, or maybe change "he" to "here".

The repitition of "fulfilled" and "unfulfilled" is not necessary--use a thesaurus, and I'm sure there are plenty of words for "fulfilled". What does "until we see the beau warmed by another" mean? If there is a meaning behind it, it's rather too ambiguous and could be brought down to human comprehension. Also: the apostrophe in "heart's" made me pause for a moment, undecided. I think it'd be best to lay it out--"heart is".

There is something wrong with the next line: "And...depart". Firstly, only one pronoun would be best. Also, the form of "learn" should be "learned".

Also, in the next stanza, you need a question mark, etc.

Another question mark missing in the next stanza. Question: how does one "leave physical anatomy"? I know you meant to say body, but anatomy doesn't really link to "body", it's more like a science/structure. Also: "never have been" is in a different (tense), it should be "never to be".

Punctuation is needed in the next stanza, EG: it shouldn't end in a comma, but a question mark.

Lastly: I like the ending alot, but the only line that could be fixed is "I know". It seems...incomplete.

Well, I hope this helped!
-Evang.

Interesting. I think that all in all it was excellently written.

In the ending, the "I know." I wonder if it could be written as "It is understood." Separation and sadness in such poems, though, really coincide well.

Sorry quick response, in a hurry but thanks both of you, especially Evangelina for the indepth review i'll make some edits after school.

THANKS!

Editted version:

Unfulfilled

Why is it that when we know the name of love,
we conceal it; deceive our company, as if
barren of?

When you went onward and looked upon her
with a pink eye that had longed to meet those of grace;
searing suns.

But my human eyes could never meet those of stars.

Why is it that we allow our hearts to bleed,
never to heal, when healing only wants spoken words?
“I love you.”

But these are plans we never see achieved,
Abridged until we see the beau warmed by another.
So cold, our heart is killed.

You witnessed a Goddess depart.

Why is it that we live our lives with a live mirror?
Someone who is not ourselves, a scapegrace of happiness,
yet the you that is you will always know one thing.

Why is it that we let ourselves leave physical being
We leave our bodies cold, forever in darkness
Never to be touched by light, by love?


Why is it that I find myself in the arctic,
my secret unable to rise through the icy floors
that separate the biting seas from the sun and haze?

You from me.

I die

I understood

I was unfulfilled

(I still think the "I understood," seems lackluster, I'll give it a think over the weekend.)