Summer of First Love

This was just something I wrote on the spot.. I don't reall know if it's well written or anything.. I'm hoping to get some advice from you guys to help me improve my poetry writing skill..

Summer of First Love

The season of love
Has come again
Yet I still find myself
Trapped inside my frozen heart.

I took a stroll along a lonely shore
Seeking something I cannot define.
In that moment of loneliness,
In the midst of confusion,
I met the person who changed all that.
I met you.

You were the moon and stars
When my night was shrouded in darkness.
The sun in my mornings
So bleak and cold.

You unfroze my heart,
Gave meaning to my life.
You were my hope,
My strength,
My existence.

You taught me how to love,
How to trust.
And what it is like
To be loved in return.

You made the flowers bloom,
And the birds sing.
Such a paradise like no other
You had given me.

A paradise that will last
For as long as eternity.
Yet, despite of all of what you have done,
All things must come to an end.
This is as inevitable
As the sun rises in the east.

With this in mind,
And for the sake
Of what we once shared,
There’s one thing
That I can assure you of.

No matter how many more summers may come to pass,
Or with whom I might share them with,
They’ll simply fade when compared
To my summer with you.

Those moments with you
Will always be priceless,
Forever to be cherished
Deep in my heart.

You were my first love
And maybe even be the last.
Whichever may prove true,
I sincerely thank you
For making me bloom
With love and truth.

that was nice. i mean it had the emotions clearly and you knew how to say it all. it gives the feeling that whoever its for will be impressed. is it youre first poem? well i am not too experienced but id say that you should start reading a bit of the classic poems. theres nthing wrong with starting a revolution inthe world of poetry but its been proved that keeping a meter is highly beneficial. dont get me wrong, poetry is a great channel for creativity and expression of the deepest parts of ourselves but youre poem does sound like an overstretched haiku.
Yet I still find myself
Trapped inside my frozen heart.
i found a few of these and id say you should make them one liners.
well thanks for the read and looking forward to more.

I'll comment after my suggestions

I took a stroll along a lonely shore
Seeking something I cannot define.
In that moment of loneliness,
In the midst of confusion,
I met the person who changed all that.

I met you.

By just adding that space and making it a separate stanza (if one liners can be considered a stanza) you put emphasis on it and it sounds better when read.

This is as inevitable
As the sun rises in the east.

I think adding this to the end of Stanza-7 wrecks the flow as the rest of your poem (should you choose to follow my first piece of advice) is 4lines or less, continuation of this keeps the flow balanced. Your ending however is brilliant and should remain six lines similarly to stanza 4 and it's 5 lines (because the sentences are short).

Stanza-8 I suppose could be reworked into four lines (think about it).


Comments

Brilliant use of contrasts right from the start, talk of summer followed by my frozen heart- Simply beautiful.

The ending wraps it off very well, i don't know if oyu intended but the last 4 lines rhyme well and I think that's why I love your ending.

Keep up the good work.

-Warlock

For something like this, I think you deserve a bow from the Queen.

This is as inevitable
As the sun rises in the east.

I have to agree with warlock. It brakes the flow. Make a new stanza if it doesn't flow wilth stanza you're busy with.

You made the flowers bloom,
And the birds sing.
Such a paradise like no other
You had given me.

I don't know.It is good until you get to the Paradise part. It is like two animals put together. You cant mix nature and fantasy like that together.
You can keep it, just split the 2 from each other.

I think it was beautiful and I look forward to more of your work.

I thought it was pretty good, for just writing it on the spot. i liked it. it had the emotion but also showed a very stable person, you dont see that much. keep writing.

I liked this, but I am sorry I cannot give you much advise, for I don't know
much about poetry. But I like this allot.
Best of luck,

-- M.B.Author

Someguy wrote:For something like this, I think you deserve a bow from the Queen.

This is as inevitable
As the sun rises in the east.

You see I have to disagree with you there, I admit it's a fantastic line, but i thought theydidn't need to be there *sorry* it's just I don't think emphasis was necessary on "all things must come to an end" and it dragged the stanza/ didn't fit with the rest of the stanza. IT was a brilliant line, maybe for another poem, my personal opinion, but i got a six for SATs what do i know .

The season of love
Has come again
Yet I still find myself
Trapped inside my frozen heart

This seems to be the general idea of your poem so I don't know if I'd state it right off the bat; I'd save the image of a frozen heart though, and see where you can hide it elsewhere in the poem so that it doesn't seem so obvious.

In the midst of confusion,
I met the person who changed all that.
I met you.

Again, I think that you could be a little discrete in revealing this purpose; the reader should have to work a little bit to get at what you're saying, if only because that's often the result of good language use. Similar for the rest of the poem: take all the ideas you've presented and see how you can pack them into a small but effective package of poetic goodness: make every word count

PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia