Perfume

Concealed aromas escape from bottle,
A monumental vessel, holding precious cargo,
Its misty contents, invading the air,
Essence of rose, departing spray.

Passion consumes,
In air exotic,
Propelled by love's romantic thought,
Controlling the minds of those that take a breath.

I, the wearer, masked behind perfume's power,
Entranced by scent.
Lust for the potion nestled on my body,
Those around me-controlled by mist.

The fragrance captivates its keeper,
I, the possessor, administer mist,
The elixir, a dangerous weapon,
My indulgence revealed.

My body, inhabited by sensuality,
A puppet controlled by the potion.
The brew, the host upon my spirit,
Slowly consuming my dignity.

The glass in which it's kept, unbreakable,
My mind vulnerable to the mist's magic touch,
Charting the air with every twist and turn,
Calling the air "home", with no intentions of leaving.

My index finger and thumb pinch my nose,
Trying to deflect the power of the scent,
Potpourri, its allied troop,
Strategically mapping out its next attack.

Their next victim, my chocolate lab,
Chasing him down, invading his nose,
Achoo!
Retreat! Retreat!

With the last spray of its intoxicating fumes,
With the last hint of residue from the potpourri,
The marvel lingers.

This was good. I liked how the poem flowed, how the rhythm was original but almost familiar.

This is, however, quite telly. You don't show us anything! The first line "Concealed aromas escape from bottle"--nice flow, but we can't see anything. Not even the bottle! Maybe: "Misty aroma pours from open-necked bottle". Otherwise, it all feels like a cliche. Imagery is, in my opinion, one of the most crucial parts in poetry.

gadi wrote:This was good. I liked how the poem flowed, how the rhythm was original but almost familiar.

This is, however, quite telly. You don't show us anything! The first line "Concealed aromas escape from bottle"--nice flow, but we can't see anything. Not even the bottle! Maybe: "Misty aroma pours from open-necked bottle". Otherwise, it all feels like a cliche. Imagery is, in my opinion, one of the most crucial parts in poetry.

Oh, oh, I like your thinking.

I shall try that.

(I was going for an abstract view, rather than using realism, but imagery would be well-suited for my poem.)

Thank You

I just re-wrote it, adding a little surprise to the last 3 stanzas. (For some reason, I couldn't write about anything else, but stuff to do with the military; must be my civil war homework in social studies... lol)

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Much, much better.
The only problem is that there's too much goodness. That makes it sticky. That makes it messy.

What you need to do is combine sentences together--that will not only make the imagery stronger, but condense the poem, making it SO much better.

Example:
"Concealed aromas escape from bottle,
A monumental vessel, holding precious cargo,
Its misty contents, invading the air,
Essence of rose, departing spray."
"Ghostly aromas escape monumental vessel,
Invading the air, a spray of rose."

Mhm? Whatdya say?
Also now, I understand the poem much better...I see now what the whole idea of it is: it is all a metaphore to his/her attractiveness. However, the whole Achoo thing was really confusing. Just clear that up a bit like I showed you.

This seemed to fall into the oddest of ways.

What does your lab have to do with the rest of the poem? I suppose I don't understand the meaning behind it, or the purpose, and the... story behind it is confusing.

I didn't exactly like how it was written, either, it was too telling and you wrote like this, "An object, it is..." "A thing, it is...." and that got boring, quickly. You keep talking about scents, but I smell nothing. Try using sensory words, to make us smell things, but don't overuse them either.

You might want to think about what you are trying to make your reader feel, to better give the poem a central theme.

this story is ok but i think more descriptions and similies and metaphors and personification oh dear im babbling but u get the point

Gads, you have to be at leas 20! Nobody but an adult would write that.