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he fell down
she offered a hand
he hit the ground
she helped him stand


she asked if he was ok
all he did was shrug
she knew he wasnt all right
wha he really wanted
was a simple, warm hug


no matter what she did for him
it never helped him for long
she would tell him jokes to make him smile
and even sing him songs


he didnt want to say
what would really make him smile
so he pretended he was fine
the fact that she tried
made the friendship worthwhile


days went by
when he wanted to die
but the thought of leaving her
made him cry


for no reason at all
she picked up the phone
and called him
when she started talking
he began to bawl


she questioned his crying
but he wouldnt tell
he made up some bull story
and felt really bad for lying


she told him things would be ok
inside he knew they wouldnt
he hung up the phone
and cryed for the rest of the day


he couldnt bare to face her
so he avoided her at all costs
he knew had to
even though without her
he was lost


he wished she would find him
and run up with a hug
but he knew that wouldnt happen
he could just imagine how amazing they were,
so cozy and snug


he ached for her attention
in his body and his soul
and yet his unrequited love story
has left in his heart, a hole
and now he does nothing but day dream
about a life thats not his own

This has a lot of potential. Let's go through it.

HeelsOverHead wrote:he fell down
she offered a hand
he hit the ground
she helped him stand I liked this stanza - good rhythm, and safe, yet solid rhyming.


she asked if he was ok
all he did was shrug
she knew he wasnt all right
wha he really wanted
was a simple, warm hug I expected this to have the same rhyming pattern as the first stanza - ABCB. Try combining the ideas in the last two lines, keeping the line short and still ending in hug to maintain the rhyming scheme.


no matter what she did for him
it never helped him for long
she would tell him jokes to make him smile
and even sing him songs


he didnt want to say
what would really make him smile
so he pretended he was fine
the fact that she tried
made the friendship worthwhile This isn't ABCB either, but I like it anyway.


days went by
when he wanted to die
but the thought of leaving her
made him cry Hmm, this is a little cliché


for no reason at all
she picked up the phone
and called him
when she started talking
he began to bawl


she questioned his crying
but he wouldn't tell
he made up some bull story
and felt really bad for lying


she told him things would be ok
inside he knew they wouldn't
he hung up the phone
and cried for the rest of the day I fixed up a spelling error here, and remember your apostrophes in "wouldn't".


he couldn't bare to face her
so he avoided her at all costs
he knew had to This line doesn't make sense...
even though without her
he was lost


he wished she would find him
and run up with a hug
but he knew that wouldn't happen
he could just imagine how amazing they were,
so cozy and snug


he ached for her attention
in his body and his soul
and yet his unrequited love story
has left in his heart, a hole
and now he does nothing but day dream
about a life thats not his own Nice last stanza

Try keeping the same rhyming pattern throughout, or even alternating in every other stanza, as you have done in some places. Good job, keep writing.

Yeah, it was a good poem. Maybe the title could be "Faded Love" or something like that... I don't know. A good effort.

I liked it, but I don't think it should be a poem.

This was like a story in a verse, really. It had no poetic qualities beyond rhyming, and I'm not sure the rhyming really helped it out. It was depressing, but not poetically well written.

Heh and just a note: you said this sucks? Don't give us what you thinks sucks--give us what is your best, you know? Give us something you are proud of, because we put our good time into this and you should put your good time in what you are giving us, too. Makes sense? ^_~

I liked the rhythm in the first stanza, but I was disappointed when it didn't continue. See how in the first stanza, the syllables of each line are 3, 5, 4, 4. They're nice and short and easy to say lilting-like, I think because it jumps from short to long to end up at medium. But then the next stanza's syllables are 7, 5, 7, 6, 6, and the pattern doesn't hold up. The rhyme scheme doesn't really continue either. Try reading this aloud to yourself, seeing where you can't read it as well as other places. Read just the first and second stanza aloud: see how easily the first stanza can be said? And how easy it becomes to trip in the second?

[side note: if you preface something by saying that it "sucks", not only does that show you don't care about what you've written, but it already puts me off to the poem before I've even started reading it.]

feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Amelia

This sounds like most of my poetry when I first write it; I like the general idea of it. I'm gonna do like Matt did and just go through the whole poem.

he fell down
she offered a hand
he hit the ground
she helped him to stand ~I like this, it's got good rhythm while still being simple. Adding to in there is just a suggestion.


she asked if he was ok
all he did was shrug
she knew he wasnt all right
wha he really wanted
was a simple, warm hug~I don't know about this stanza; it doesn't fit with the first stanza at all, and the rhyming is pretty off. Maybe this one is...too simple?


no matter what she did for him
it never helped [s]him [/s] (alt=9) for long
she would tell him jokes to make him smile
and even sing him little songs ~This one has a good rhyming pattern too, but it doesn't have the same rhyme as either of the first two stanzas. I don't think him is necessary there


he didnt want to say
what would really make him smile
[s]so he pretended he was fine [/s]
the fact that she tried
made the friendship worthwhile


days went by
when he wanted to die
but the thought of leaving her
made him want to cry


for no reason at all
she picked up the phone
and called him
when she started talking
he began to bawl ~The rythm on this one seems pretty off too. Perhaps something like - When he heard her voice, he began to bawl - then just getting rid off "and called him"?


she questioned his crying
but he wouldnt tell
he made up some bull story
and felt really bad for lying


she told him things would be ok
inside he knew they wouldn't
he hung up the phone
and cried for the rest of the day ~I don't much care for this stanza, nor the one before it. THey both seem kind of...unnecessary to me.


he couldnt bare to face her
so he avoided her at all costs
he knew had to
even though without her
he was lost ~Huh? I'm confused.

he wished she would find him
and run up with a hug
but he knew that wouldn't happen
he could just imagine how amazing they were,
so cozy and snug ~still confused. These two stanzas don't make much sense.

he ached for her attention
in his body and his soul
and yet his unrequited love story
has left in his heart, a hole
and now he does nothing but day dream
about a life that is not his own ~This one could use a bit of work too. The first four lines are great, I really like them. I think you could almost cut out that last two lines, and just end it with the fourth line.

Good luck and Happy Writing!
~Bells~