Promises

i give to you
a promise made
from fate to fate
the game is played
the music slides on
note by note
we look for love
we live on hope

the bridge across
the waters wide
cannot hold back
the surging tides
beneath the falls
we sit and wait
to see what love
transforms to fate

and i will hold out friendship's hand
heart to heart and land to land

the larder's full
the pot is boiled
the plan is laid
the plot is foiled
the fire's set
the flames are high
the flags unfurled
against the sky

the war is joined
the bullet milled
the wound is open
blood is spilled
and hate is answered
fast by hate
the peaceful word
is spoke too late

still i will hold out friendship's hand
heart to heart and land to land
sill i will hold out friendship's hand
across the bridge, from land to land

wow, this is really beautiful. you're only thirteen? i'm impressed. as far as critiquing goes, i HATE critiquing poetry too much, because if you critique too much you take away the person's voice. but i'll do a little bit...


"i give to you
a promise made
from fate to fate
the game is played
the music slides on"

i think the "on" at the end there is a little unnecessary. it sort of distracts from that beautiful rhythm. just a thought.


"the fire's set
the flames are high
the flags unfurled
against the sky"

you need an apostrophe with "flags"... i think "flag's" would be the proper puntuation.


"the peaceful word
is spoke too late"

i think you should take out the "is." again, its not really necessary. just "spoke too late" is fine. or, if you want to be really grammatical, maybe "spoken too late"?

again, BEAUTIFUL poem.

Hey!

This was really good. I especially love this stanza:

"the bridge across
the waters wide
cannot hold back
the surging tides
beneath the falls
we sit and wait
to see what love
transforms to fate"

Really really great. The rhythm is fantastic, and the whole thing is very lyrical, almost like a song.

(Edit: Okay, now I feel really stupid for putting that. See, I accessed this bit from the main page, and didn't see that it was in the "Lyrics" section. My bad.)

On the punctuation end of things, I'm not going to be uber nitpicky. I'm just going to suggest that you toss in a period here or there, if you felt like it. It might help with the reading, which is a little bit difficult without knowing where you're supposed to stop.

And a quick thing: lyrical_sunshine, the way she has "flags" right now is correct, as the context she has it in is plural, and not possessive.
Thanky.

And again, this was great. Keep it up (This is really the worst "advice" I could give, and yet, there it is...), and please PM me if you post any of your other poems!

Peace, love, cinnamon wax,
Muffin

Beautiful poem, t'was like a song! Maybe you should make it a song...

what a beautiful poem, it hit home with me, maybe because i just lost a friend, and this poem fits it perfectly. you are very good, dont stop writing.