Moonlit Night

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Once upon a moonlit night,
I sit and stare at the world beyond
And dream of magic and dragon's flight
And live where beauty is ever donned.

When I dream, I think of you
And how I acted such a fool.
To want that which I never knew
And risk being used as a tool.

When you left with my life,
I was lost to all.
But then he saved me from the strife
And kept me from the fall.

He was named Lord Cadmalier.
A man of the Northern Falls.
He came to me with no threat or fear
And answered my desperate calls.

He rode a horse of midnight black
And his hair a lustrous blonde.
He saved my heart from your fierce attack
And asked for a marital bond.

He swept me away to the land I dreamed.
His bride I chose to be.
The rank of queen I was thus deemed,
To sit upon a throne with the man who hath saved me.
Last edited by EmiSukotto16 on Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:16 am, edited 2 times in total.
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."




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narrative poetry does have an objective point to poetry.

however... it doesn't mean that you can simply make the poem rhyme, aloof, and medieval and call it narritive poetry.

it seems like you are trying to describe of a new, happier love. instead of writing it in a "this is what happened, but i'll make it into a romantic cliche story of long ago" way, try to elaborate on the contrast of the feelings between two loves.

eh. yeah... i hope this helps.




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I like the style this is written in, I think the voice is very good and it is quite smooth.

There should be an 'a' before the word fool in line six and in the third stanza I don't think the words 'But' needs to be used in the first line.

Very good,
Alainna
xxxxxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Mmm, tone is good, it flows well, but I think you need to rethink some of your word choices. The rhyming seems forced in some places, 2nd stanza for one. It did seem like very much of the old romantic fairytale cliche, so try to make it your own.
purple sneakers




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I loved this! especially the ending!

And...I have nothing more to say (I'm tired, to otired for long crits atm lol)

Meevs
x
Bag.

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I think everyone else got everything...but it was lovely. I love the imagery... and nice vocab.
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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The imagrey was excellent! However I couldn't tell where you were going with this. It seems to be part love poetry, part fiction, and part oh-what's-up-above-us. Try short stories. Read more poetry.




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i like it, but in some places it sounds like you're trying tho force the rhyme, other than that i thought it was cool esp. the last stanza
The Best
And Most Beutiful Things,
Cannot Be Seen Or Even Touched.
-----------------------------------------



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy