Clouds

Clouds

The door out of reach
The black cloud swirling around him
He saw nothing, nothing but him
The black magnified his flaws
His mind let them in
Red pooled around his feet
Falling from his arms
Blue swept past him
He fell hard to the ground
With a thump he was gone
Nothing more nothing less
Then what he thought

Hm. Well, I really liked the beginning, but the direction you took this poem left me thinking, "...Why?" It just seemed a little overdramatic and felt rather like an empty gesture. The first four lines, though? While you've used very simplistic manners of conveying the imagery, which given the style works relatively well, the image itself is very thought-provoking. A man surrounded by a black cloud, in which all he sees is himself? That in itself tells the reader all he or she needs to know about this character!

After the fourth line, though, you lose that originality and vibrancy. It's all stuff I've seen before, countless times, and rarely lives up to standards.

Also: where's the punctuation? Now, I'm totally for bucking poetic conventions, but punctuation's my baby and I luuurve it, so I'm going to argue for its inclusion here. And not just because traditionally poetry has used punctuation--no, there's a very specific reason.

Punctuation = emotion.

That's right! All those dramatic images lack punch, impetus, without the right punctuation. Like I said on another review recently: consider how to punctuate the word "hello." A simple word, right? But the punctuation adds so much meaning!

"Hello!" (Cheerful? Energetic? Enthusiastic?)

"Hello?" (Uncertain? Inquisitive? Fearful?)

"...Hello." (Angry; restrained; surprised.)

"Hello." (Normal; neither too cheerful nor too emotional.)

But see how much it changed the meaning? Now consider this part of your poem, with a healthy injection of punctuation (and a few minor changes, just for comprehension's sake):

The door out of reach--
The black cloud swirled around him,
And he saw nothing--nothing but him--
The black magnified his flaws--

All the dashes give it a fragmented, almost frantic feeling. Or:

The door out of reach,
The black cloud swirled around him;
He saw nothing, nothing but him,
And the black magnified his flaws.

More of a traditional feel. Hope this has been of some help. ^~

I don't know what to make of this poem. Is it good? Or bad? I like the idea...

But the structure? I'm confused with this one I must say. It's.. Mysterious.

The first four lines werereally good, I would haves liked you to magnify on human flaws.

Yeah I agree the first four lines were fantastic but I think you need to go and extend the idea of his flaws. What were they? Describe them. You only need to do it subtly, not throw them in our face.
I liked the idea of comparing his flaws to a black swirling cloud but them you didn't really compare them at all.
Take the first four lines and rewrite the rest of this poem. It could be fantastic.

I got confused after the first four lines. Did the cloud kill him? Why? What were his flaws?
Take save ferris' advice and do it subtly. What did you mean by red and blue? Well done on the first four lines and the concept but rewrite the ending and make it longer.
It was mysterious, but a bit too mysterious...
(sorry to be harsh)
Charlotte

I quite like this...

But i had trouble with the structure of it.

Then again, i'm no poem expert but that's just my view lol.

I like the descriptions in it.
Good work.


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