TIGWS: Rise of the Rebellion

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Once again, this chapter will be posted in two parts.

Oh, and here are some pronunciations:

Ceer: s-eer
Lira: Lee-ra
Zorrac: Zorr-ack

I think all the other pronunciations are obvious. ^_^

So, here it is. Enjoy!

Chapter 3


“So when is this debate we are going to see?” Kwest asked.

“Well, actually it’s tomorrow morning. Tomorrow night we are meeting with our friends,” Lira explained.

Kwest and Lira flew through the crowded skylanes on Galeon. Looking around, they witnessed all the overwhelming security.

“So what are your plans for the rest of the day?” Kwest asked.

“I thought we could just look around and survey the current situation,” Lira suggested.

“Well isn’t that a pretty picture: the presidents of a drive yards and tools company snooping around the capital city,” Kwest rhetorically expressed.

“I didn’t know that we were going to get here this early. Besides, got any better ideas?” Lira asked Kwest.

“Actually, I do, and it’s kind of combined with yours.”

~--~

“How much farther? It’s getting pretty dark, Kwest,” Lira asked nervously.

“Not that much.”

Kwest and Lira glided through the mysterious alleys of Galeon’s underworld.

“Does this speeder have brighter head lights?” Kwest inquired.

“Yeah. Just flip that switch,” Lira replied pointing to a green switch by her partner’s hand. Kwest flipped the switch.

“Wow! Those are some bright head lights! Aren’t we going to get noticed now?”

Lira smiled and cocked her head. “You said we were almost there.”

“Yes, because we’re here,” Kwest said, slowing the speeder and stopping it in front a lonely, dark shack, made of nothing but dull, old durasteel sheets and barely held together by the decaying mesh tape.

“This place?” questioned Lira.

“Yup. Eol has been my friend for a long time. She helped me go undercover for a bounty hunting job,” Kwest explained.

“What exactly does she do?”

“She’s a slicer.” Kwest jumped out of the speeder and walked into the shack.

Lira followed him, shrugging.

“Who’s there?” a female voice, coming from the corner, asked.

“Hah! The only person who knows who you are, Eol,” Kwest replied.

An alien emerged from the shadows. Eol was a young Sorm, from the planet of the same name. She looked to be around thirty, while Sorms can usually live up to age 150. A humanoid with entire black eyes, Eol was able to see in the dark. That explains the darkness, Lira thought.

Eol bared her fangs and sharp teeth, a Sorm equivalent of a smile, which made her look vicious, but generally Sorms were peaceful creatures. Eol’s black hair was tied up in a ponytail.

“Well, if it isn’t Kwest Omarrin!” Eol said, walking over to Kwest and putting her clawed hands on her hips.

“Yeah, long time no see. How are you doing?” Kwest asked.

“I’m fine. Still working undercover and keepin’ low,” Eol stated. “How are you?”

“Doin’ good.”

“Everything with the Drive Yards doing okay?” Eol asked curiously.

“Yup…Wait! How do you know about that? I haven’t seen you in eight years!” Kwest exclaimed.

“Relax. You sent me a message two or three years ago, remember?” Eol remarked.

“Oh yeah.” Kwest flushed.

Eol nodded her head towards Lira. “Who’s she?”

“Oh. Eol, this is Lira Thell-Ellis. Lira, this is Eol Lissik. Lira and I are partners. We created Zatship Drive Yards together,” Kwest introduced.

Eol nodded to Lira.

“Nice to meet you, Eol,” Lira said.

“Do you guys want anything to eat?” Eol blurted after a long silence.

~--~

“Aren’t you afraid the Dark Empire’s gonna find you?” Kwest asked Eol over some Sormish Cakes.

“No, not really. I have many identities I could go under,” Eol replied, taking another Sormish Cake from the middle of the table.

“What have you been doing lately anyway?” urged Kwest.

“Doing a few slicing jobs here and there. Also, I’m doing some work for people who want to escape the clutches of the Dark Empire,” Eol explained. “Why?”

“Do you think you could help an old friend?”

“Yeah, Sure. What do you want?”

Kwest leaned across the table, and, even though no one was within one hundred meters of them, whispered, “New identities. In case we might need them.”

“Really? What would some founders of a ship building company do with new ID docs?” Eol asked, half knowing the answer.

“Come on, Eol, you know how it is with the Dark Empire,” Kwest said, pushing his hand out innocently.

Lira smiled. Kwest always makes the most interesting friendships.

“What are you up to, Kwest? I would think that the Dark Empire has asked you to design them something by now.” Eol finished off her cake, gulped, and leaned back in her chair.

Kwest closed his eyes and let out a breath. “They did,” Kwest responded, opening his eyes, “We turned them down.”

“Oh, Mr. Tough Guy and his girlfriend are scared,” Eol teased, giving out a short laugh.

Lira gave her a glare. Eol immediately stopped laughing.

“Eol, please, the Empire is a real threat,” Kwest affirmed.

“I know. I know. Just trying to be funny in the midst of turmoil, ya know,” Eol said, getting out of her chair and slipping over to her computer.

She flipped a switch and the entire wall came to life. “One big computer screen!” Kwest breathed.

“Not just that. These smaller screens on the side-they are connected to surveillance cameras I installed around this area and the Senate,” Eol explained, with pride.

“Wow!”

“So.” Eol started flipping through her files.

Lira and Kwest watched the gargantuan computer screen, as faces and names popped up, and disappeared in an instant.

“Ah, I found one for you, Kwest,” Eol proclaimed. “And Lira…I found one for you, too.”
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Timea.... I love the story but got kinda lost I didn't know exactly where they were. Anyways I wanted to also say I loved it you better PM me when the next part comes out! I alos think you should add a twist just to shake things up a little..... but then again thats something I would do and everyone knows I don't do the smartest things. Good effort though.

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Hope I could be some help


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I like this! New identities, and lots of shtuff going on! Just a few pointers I'd like to make:

She’s a slicer


Could you explain what a slicer does?

Eol’s black hair was tied up in a ponytail


It seems misplaced. Maybe you could put it in the paragraph before this when you're describing her appearance?

I’m fine. Just still working undercover and keepin’ low,” Eol stated.


Choose one or the other :wink:

Relax. You sent


Just throwing this out there, but maybe an exclamation point instead of that period after "relax" could word, ja? It would show an exclamation of exasperation, you know?

“Do you guys want anything to eat?”


That's a bit abrupt. Maybe she says it after a long silence? Or...I dunno. It doesn't sound like Eol would just suddenly say something about cake after greeting her friend she hasn't seen in 8 years.

Yeah. Sure. What do you want?”


Maybe commas, rather than periods, no?

Kwest leaned across the table, and, even no one was within 100 meters of them


...huh? Could you rephrase this, pleases? I didn't understand it, starting at "even". Also, you could write out "one hundred"

Really. What would some founders of a ship building company do with new ID docs?” Eol asked, half knowing the answer


Question mark after "really" will do just fine. "docs" confused me. Maybe use a different word or, if it's an abbreviation, use the full word. Also, you don't need "...half knowing the answer" cause kwest already says she knew in his next quote. You could show us Eol knows, though, with body language. Maybe she lazily leans back in her chair, or shifts her gaze to her drink (this would show she's not paying attention, as if she knows the answer).

I would think that the Dark Empire asked you to design them something by now


Nitpick: put "has" after "Empire"

“Oh, Mr. Tough Guy and his girlfriend are scared,” Eol teased, giving out a short laugh.

Lira gave her a glare. Eol immediately stopped laughing


A very nice bit, here. I liked this! It shows so much of Eol and Lira. Very well written!

She flipped a switch and the entire wall came to life


Would they not notice this as they came? Or does it blend in with the wall until it's turned on?

I can't wait for more! This is pretty good, Timea. Let me know when you've typed up the next part! Keep writing!

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Hey Timea! This is going really well, just a few sugestions -

“How much farther? It’s getting pretty dark, ya know,” Lira nervously asked. ['Lira asked nervously' might sound a bit neater.]

An alien emerged from the shadows. Eol was a young Sorm, from the planet of the same name. She looked to be around thirty, while Sorms can usually live up to age 150. They are a humanoid with entire black eyes, that enabled them to see in the dark. That explains the darkness, Lira thought.

Sorms also have fangs and claws, which make them look vicious, but they are relatively peaceful creatures. Eol’s black hair was tied up in a ponytail. [You do this every time there is a new race or character. Drop this information in slowly throughout the conversation. Like you could have 'Eol said, absently tugging on her long, black ponytail' and at some other point 'Eol noted, opening her mouth just wide enough that her fangs showed.' See what I mean. Just add a little information here and there.]

Kwest leaned across the table, and, even though no one was within 100 [Should be one hundred] meters of them, whispered,

Eol finished off her cake and leaned back into [Perhaps in rather than 'into' would work better.] her chair.

Kwest awed. [color=red][I know what you're trying to say here but awed isn't a word. Maybe 'Kwest gasped in approval' or 'Kwest gasped in awe' sort of works.

_______________________

Other than that, a well written chapter and some nice characterization.
Writing Gooder

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Ok. Thanks everyone so far for your comments. I'm going to try to fix the grammar up when i have time.
As for the abbreviations like 'docs', that stands for documents..but in the SW galaxy and in other sci fi books i've read..the author always says docs. So you wouldn't get it in those books either. :wink:
And as for 'slicer', look it up. A slicer is a nicer word for 'hacker'.
And, Jabber, the reason they didn't see the big computer screen was because it was really dark..they're in the lower levels of Galeon, so it's really dark.

Thanks for all your comments! :D

~Timea

PS. and 'awed' is a word. Just looked it up. :)
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Well, I just fixed some of the grammar stuff!

Hope it sounds better!

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Sorry it took so long for me to get around to this, I've been busy lately.

There are some small grammatical errors and I found some of the wording confusing or a bit unusual.

There are some missed opportunities for describing a lot of things as well.

PsychicNinja wrote:Kwest and Lira flew through the crowded skylanes on Galeon. Looking around, they witnessed all the overwhelming security.


You don't need the 'all'.
Tell us what type of security! Are there baracades? Checkpoints? Armed Guards? If so tell us!


PsychicNinja wrote:“So what do you plan to do the rest of the day?” Kwest asked.


I would say 'What are your plans for the day?' Or something along those lines.

PsychicNinja wrote:“I thought we could just look around and survey the current situation,” Lira suggested.


You don't need the 'just'.
Survey sounds a bit strange, maybe use somethin like 'Check out' or 'Find out'.


PsychicNinja wrote:“Well isn’t that a pretty picture: the presidents of a drive yards and tools company snooping around the capital city.Kwest rhetorically expressed.


Put in the full stop/period.
That just sounds wrong. The word 'expressed' doesn't suit that. Go with something like replied, and swap rhetorically and expressed/replied/whatever you choose to use.


PsychicNinja wrote:“I didn’t know that we were going to get here this early. Besides, got any better ideas?Lira asked Kwest.


You don't need the 'Kwest' we already know who Lira is talking to.

PsychicNinja wrote:Kwest and Lira glided through the___ alleys of underworld Galeon.


The what alleys of Galeon. Dark? Mysterious? Creepy? Spinechilling? Okay, maybe not spinechilling but you get the idea.
I think that 'Galeons underworld' would sound a lot better.

PsychicNinja wrote:“Yes, because we’re here,” Kwest said, slowing the speeder and stopping it in front of a dark shack.


Good, you've started to describe the shack. It needs a bit more though. Something along the lines of 'in front a lonely, dark shack, made of nothing but dull, old durasteel sheets and barely held together by the decaying mesh tape.' would be good. :oops: I kind of got a bit carried away there.

Please remember that this is just my opinion.

I have now officially run out of time. This critique will be finished tommorrow morning.
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"Awed" is a word, but not in that context.

Muff




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I have used your suggestion, Shadow. I really like it :D.

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Okay, now I'm really posting.

First off, I think that you should elaborate on the security that you mentioned. Just saying "overwhelming security" doesn't really bring to mind this great picture of security. As they say, show, not tell.

Quote:
“Nice to meet you, Eol,” Lira said.

“Do you guys want anything to eat?” Eol blurted after a long silence.

This seems awkward, and a little forced. I think that if you put something in between Lira and Eol speaking about there actually being a long silence, it'll be a lot easier to read and improve the section.
And anyways, what kind of silence is it? Romantic, drawn-out gaze to an unrequited love? Awkward and uncomfortable? Pleasantly sizing each other up? This is something that the reader needs to know to get a feel for what is going on.

About slicers: I was originally going to ask what the heck a slicer was, but since you told us what it was... Well, I, and I'm sure several others who are not hep with the lingo, as it were, were expecting a slicer to be something, you know, exclusive to this planet/galaxy. It is after all sci-fi, and while some things are indeed the same as Earth customs, some things you are not sure of and these things need to be clarified.

Hope I helped.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin




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PsychicNinja wrote: An alien emerged from the shadows. Eol was a young Sorm, from the planet of the same name. She looked to be around thirty, while Sorms can usually live up to age 150. They are a humanoid with entire black eyes, that enabled them to see in the dark. That explains the darkness, Lira thought.

Sorms also have fangs and claws, which make them look vicious, but they are relatively peaceful creatures. Eol’s black hair was tied up in a ponytail.


Info dump,info dump, INFO DUMP!!! AHHH!! *mind explodes from overload* lol jk. However, you do interupt the story to describe the Sorms....just say that Eol is a Sorm, with intentions to elaborate later. Then say something about her regarding them with enormous eyes, built for seeing in the dark, and smiled at her old friend, revealing deadly fangs, tainting her friendly intentions. Or something like that. A reader would see that you interupted the story, and they will skip this part to continue, most likely missing something important.

PsychicNinja wrote: “Aren’t you afraid the Dark Empire’s gonna find you?” Kwest asked Eol over some Sormish Cakes.


Sormish cakes? we don't know what they are. please describe them. And, just a suggestion, but it might make your story better...Perhaps describe them before the dialougue. like:

"The Sormish cakes Eol served were gooey and brightly colored in a sickeningly way. but they were sweet enough, and though the texture made Kwest gag, the flavor was quite good. He even relaxed a little.

Eol popped one into her own mouth, chewing noisily; it was hard to chew something as soft as a Sormish cake with her fangs. "Aren't you afraid the Dark Empire's gonna find you?" She asked once she had swallowed."
Or something of the such. I don't know what the cakes look like, so...

Also, "sorm cake"? Do we call a cake here an Earth cake? there are many types of cakes here; moon cakes in China and such. I don't think it would make sense if Sorm only had one type of cake on the entire planet.

Other than that, there are a few grammar mistakes, but I won't bother with those, Since you said you would fix them later.

Overall, I liked this very much. Now I"m going to reveiw the next part.... :D
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
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this chapter was a little slow but your're still doing great :smt044




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PsychicNinja wrote:“Yes, because we’re here,” Kwest said, slowing the speeder and stopping it in front a lonely, dark shack, made of nothing but dull, old durasteel sheets and barely held together by the decaying mesh tape.

I love this description. :D

PsychicNinja wrote:An alien emerged from the shadows. Eol was a young Sorm, from the planet of the same name. She looked to be around thirty, while Sorms can usually live up to age 150. They are a humanoid with entire black eyes, that enabled them to see in the dark.

Yikes... very infodumpy and encyclopedia-like. Try eliminating unnecessary information and rephrase it to describe the being herself, rather than the species.

PsychicNinja wrote:Sorms also have fangs and claws, which make them look vicious, but they are relatively peaceful creatures.

Same as the last one.

PsychicNinja wrote:Eol’s black hair was tied up in a ponytail.

See, this is what you want to be doing with the last two. It works much better. :D

PsychicNinja wrote:“I know. I know. Just trying to be funny in the midst of turmoil, ya know,” Eol said, getting out of her chair and going over to her computer.

Probably try to avoid the word "going", it's a little too generic. Try using a more descriptive word for her movement.

This was a fun chapter. :D Eol is so cool. She better show up later as well! :twisted:
Lol, just messing. XD

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