Hopelessly Un-In-Love

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Points 890
Reviews 188
With a semi-automatic tucked behind a jean pocket
a life of policed solitude and desperation
framed by hopeless attempts at chocolate kisses
ending with misery and thrown-away wrappers
There is no silver lining here.

Locked away with the money is the dream
under codes, some never to be unlocked—
for the key has been thrown away
destroyed by the acidity of the passing day
rained on by water and something very bitter.

Painted upon with generosity and fierce bravado
but the canvas is ripped and the colors fading
the brushes chipped and abandoned in a corner
The buyer has sold to the lowest bidder
A few coins in a wood-iron case.

A story told and retold, but with no change of words
and the paper is yellow with rotting age
smelling like a musty space full of nothing
the inked words dripping with suspense
but questionable to the point of disdain.

There is no secret, no girlish games of trickery
no boyish ambition or wandering eye
no love for the lie or jealousy sly
no tragedy great or potion of hate
just two people with minds like ribcages—
each connect but both branch apart.




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Oh, I really love the imagery in this one. All your description are very vivid and awesome, and it seemed to flow pretty well too. Not much else I can say except good work. ^_^


MM




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Thank you very much! Glad to know I did well. Haven't written this type of poetry in a while.
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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Points 1175
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I loved it to tell the truth. You showed us your feelings very well. Still, I can't get an in-def picture here. Even so I liked. I just got a little hard to follow with no foundation to the poem.
I will always fight back, no matter what.




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Ahh. Well, I don't know about the foundation...thanks for reading!
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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Evangelina wrote:just two people with minds like ribcages—
each connect but both branch apart
.


My favorite lines,

I didn't necessarily like the lines of the fourth stanza but that is probably just me. Overall it was excellent, and I am not one to like love-type poetry...at all.
Truth Through Me




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Thanks eric...
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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Hmm.. Yes good imagary and I liked how it just... Continued. It made me think and smile.. And frown but I liked it.

Good work ^^
Worship the ginger monkey :) aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!




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Thanks, gin!
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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Wow. Just, wow. The imagery was amazing, and there was a lot of depth to this poem. Good job! I loved the part about the canvas. Very poetic :wink:
"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Help me get that second star! If you need a review, just send me a PM. (Keep it PG, please. Except for violence... I can handle that. ^^ )




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Why thank you very much!
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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I really liked the poem! I think my favorite lines were:

framed by hopeless attempts at chocolate kisses
ending with misery and thrown-away wrappers
There is no silver lining here.

just because it's such a brilliant metaphor. :)

I can't really think of anything to critique, honestly. You did a fantastic job, and I looove the poem!

~Luna~
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
~Anonymous~




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thanks Luna! I should attempt to write more, but brad scares me.
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




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Points 27175
Reviews 387
Excellent, excellent, excellent! This is my kind of poem. Abstract enough to make me work for the meaning, but plain enough for there to be one. Your comparison with the ribcage was very unique. I've never read anything like it...but it doesn't work for me. Maybe after reading the lines a few times I'll warm up to it. An aquired taste.

The buyer has sold to the lowest bidder


I think you meant 'seller' or 'auctioneer'. Buyers generally tend to buy, instead of sell :wink: Correct me if I'm wrong.

Your first stanza was by far my favorite.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Thanks Kyl! Hey guys, Im submitting this for a literary journal. Wish me luck!
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill



I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin